


but tonight (you're on my mind)

by allwaswell16



Category: BBC Radio 1 RPF, One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, DJ Nick Grimshaw, Drummer Louis, Drunkenness, Famous Louis Tomlinson, Famous Nick Grimshaw, Heartache, Hotels, Jealousy, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Masturbation, Music, OT5, One Direction is a pop/rock band, POV Louis, POV Multiple, POV Nick, Pining, Radio, Riding, Rimming, Secret Relationship, Smut, Songwriting, Tomlinshaw - Freeform, Touring, Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-23
Updated: 2017-05-24
Packaged: 2018-08-16 20:07:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 36,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8115730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allwaswell16/pseuds/allwaswell16
Summary: Nick's friendship with the lead singer of Seventy Eight has come with a new circle of people including an entrancing, blue eyed drummer. But what brings them together can also tear them apart.





	1. Brighter Than Sunshine

**Author's Note:**

  * For [taggiecb](https://archiveofourown.org/users/taggiecb/gifts).



> I don't even know what to say for myself to be honest. Apologies are in order first for anyone who began reading this as a WIP back in (cringe) September. Many other fics on deadlines got in the way of this one, which I am very sorry for. I have actually finished writing this fic, but along the way I found a Brit picker for it, and she is currently still going through the final chapters for me. Thank you [giveitupforliam](https://giveitupforliam.tumblr.com/) !The only reason I am continuing to post as a WIP instead of waiting until it is completely ready to post is because today is my amazing and wonderful friend/beta's birthday, and this fic was written for her. Thank you [taggiecb](http://archiveofourown.org/users/taggiecb/pseuds/taggiecb) for all that you do for me. Love you, my sweet friend!
> 
> Update: This is now complete! xx
> 
> The title is from the song 'Lover, You Should've Come Over' by Jeff Buckley
> 
> Spotify playlist is here: [but tonight you're on my mind](https://open.spotify.com/user/all_was_well_16/playlist/0J7njvcgOTGDQ4RFvjz1ZA)
> 
> [Tumblr post linked here](http://allwaswell16.tumblr.com/post/160769184386/but-tonight-youre-on-my-mind-by-allwaswell16) At the bottom of the post is a link to the manip I commissioned Kris to make for this fic, if you would like to see the full version of drummer Louis. <3

 

_Love will remain a mystery,_

_But give me your hand, and you will see._

_Your heart is keeping time with me._

 

'Brighter Than Sunshine'  -Aqualung

 

*** 

Spaniards Inn, London

1 February

***

A cold gust of winter air blasts through Louis’ bones. He shivers as he makes his way from the car and into the pub. As soon as he’s walked inside, he realizes he’s forgotten Harry’s gift. Fuck. It’s too late now to go back. He’s sure Harry won’t miss it amidst all the poshy things his friends will have brought him anyway. Or maybe he will. It’s not quite the bash Louis had envisioned.

There are a few older men at the bar, white hair tufting out the sides of their hats, but he has to walk through the centuries old pub into an attached back room to find the party. The band’s all here and Harry’s family. Not many of his friends though, just Jonny and Lou and—Nick.

Harry jumps out of a comfortable seat by the fireplace and comes over to greet Louis with a warm hug. “Not exactly what I had in mind when you said party, mate.”

“I just felt like celebrating with family, I guess.”

Louis shakes his head. “How old are you again? Eighty?”

Harry laughs. “Seventy-eight. That’s why we named the band Seventy-Eight.”

“I thought it was because it’s how many marshmallows fit in your mouth.”

“Right, right, that as well.”

There’s a seat open near the fire that Louis gladly slumps into, rubbing his hands together to ease the chill. When he looks up, it’s into a pair of hazel eyes, watching him. Nick. He shivers again and wonders if it’s just from the cold.

“Cold out, innit?” Nick asks.

Louis raises an eyebrow. “Well, it’s February in London, Grimshaw. What do you expect?”

Nick flushes a bit. “Yes, it’s February. You’d think people wouldn’t be so foolish as to walk around without a coat and hat.”

Louis grins. “I thought I’d be fine in a jumper. And don’t tell me you fit your hair under a hat because I won’t believe you.”

Nick returns the smile. “Got me there.”

“Maybe Niall will let you borrow his,” Louis says as he half stands from his seat and plucks the hideous cap off Niall’s head.

“Hey!” Niall protests, hands grasping at air as he tries to snatch back the hat. “Don’t know why my hat’s got to be sacrificed to the incessant flirting,” Niall grumbles.

Louis ignores the last bit. “Sorry, mate. Nick here’s cold and needs a hat. It’s February, you know.”

“Wait, what are you—“ Nick says as Louis crams the hat down on his head.

Louis cackles as he swerves Nick’s outstretched hand. “You little—“

Louis darts away out of the room and to the bar, still laughing a bit to himself as he leans forward against the tall, wooden top of the bar.

Before Louis can order a drink, he hears a voice behind him. “Well, well, well. With that view I almost don’t want to do this.” Louis tries to turn and lift his arm up defensively, but it’s too late. Nick jams the hat directly onto Louis’ carefully styled fringe.

“Oi! Not the hair!”

“You did it to mine! Look at mine!”

Louis looks up at Nick’s sadly misshapen quiff and begins to laugh hysterically.

Nick frowns. “Well, let’s see what’s happened to yours then.” Louis lets Nick close the gap between them and reach up to remove the hat off his head. He’s close enough to smell Nick’s cologne, and his head feels a little fuzzy although he’s had nothing to drink.

“So what’s the damage?” he says with a catch in his voice.

Nick’s eyes widen as he seems to realize how close he’s actually come to Louis. He takes a step back and clears his throat. “Oh, actually, uh—it actually looks fine. Actually, yeah.”

“Actually? Are you sure?” Louis teases. He controls his voice this time, but his heart races strangely.

Nick looks a bit dazed. “I’m going to go fix my hair,” he says as he wanders off to the loo.

Louis takes his drink and heads back to the party.

*

Nick looks at his reflection in the mirror. His quiff will never be the same. He sighs and tries to straighten it out, but one side’s gone crooked. He wishes he hadn’t given back Niall’s ridiculous hat. Not like there’s anyone here he wants to impress anyway. Just Harry’s family mostly. A couple of friends. The rest of the band. Louis. Louis with the striking blue eyes filled with mischief. Louis with the eyelashes that fan out across his cheeks. Louis with the adorable fringe of hair that his delicate fingers constantly brush back. Louis with the cheekbones as sharp as a blade. Louis with the curves that beg to be touched. Louis who always has to have someone’s attention. Well, he’s always got Nick’s attention. Nick rests his forehead against the cool glass of the mirror. Perhaps there is someone here he wants to impress. Maybe this will be the night Nick finally does something about it.

He walks back to the party, intent vibrating through him. Nick immediately searches him out, but he’s already holding court with Zayn and Gemma and Harry. They’re laughing at something he’s said, and Nick wishes he could have heard it. He watches him from the other side of the room, pretending to listen to Liam tell a story about his dog. He realizes he may not be subtle when Louis returns his gaze with a smirk, and Nick turns away, presumably to talk to Niall.

“You should just ask him out,” Niall says.

“What? No. What if he says no, and then everything will always be awkward between us.”

Niall lets out a loud laugh. “Afraid it’s already pretty awkward, mate.”

Nick bides his time. It doesn’t matter where he turns or who he speaks to, he can still feel where Louis is in the room. Louis has his own gravitational pull, it seems. When Louis and Zayn go out for a smoke, Nick tries to prepare himself to at least talk to Louis when he returns.

His plan is thwarted when Louis drives home an intoxicated Zayn instead, and all of Nick’s intentions go up in smoke.

 


	2. Hymn For the Weekend

 

_I feel it coursing through my blood_

_Life is a drink, your love’s about_

_To make the stars come out_

                “Hymn For the Weekend” -Coldplay

***

Etihad Stadium, Manchester

1 June

***

Louis’ energy is off the charts. It always is before these big stadium shows. His adrenaline starts pumping, and he can’t contain it. He knows it’s driving everyone mad. He’s already bothered Liam and Niall. Zayn seems to be hiding from him. He uses his drum sticks to drum on every surface of his dressing room before deciding he can’t stand it anymore. He’ll have to go bother Harry now. He takes his drum sticks with him, pounding on every surface between his dressing room and Harry’s. He uses them to tap out a beat against the closed door.

He doesn’t expect the door to open. For one thing, Harry knows it’s him because of the drum beat being played against the door. For another thing, Harry knows Louis will just open the door himself without invitation. This is why when it swings open, Louis nearly falls through the doorway.

“Whatcha do that for?” he exclaims as he rights his stumble into the room. He looks up into an unexpected face. “Oh. It’s you.”

Nick flushes. “Hiya. Shocking, I know, for someone to open the door when someone else is incessantly knocking on it.”

“Harry knows I’ll finish the drumming when I’m good and ready, and then I’ll be opening the door. The drumming is a warning of sorts. To maybe put on some pants or summat.”

“To be fair, I do lounge around in the nude quite a bit,” Harry pipes up from behind Nick.

Louis paces the room frenetically. He contains himself from the use of his drum sticks for about two minutes. He’s so keyed up he can’t help himself. Nick looks at him in alarm, but Harry just laughs. “He’s always like this before big shows. He needs to get laid. It’s been far too long. Find him a boy or girl around here. He swings both ways.”

Louis narrows his eyes at Harry, but continues to pummel various objects about the room.  Nick sinks into a chair with a strange look on his face.

“God, come on. Let’s get out of here. Let’s go do something,” Louis whines.

“Lou, we have to be out there in thirty minutes,” Harry says calmly. “I’d like to rest a bit here if that’s okay with you.”

“No, it’s not fucking okay with me,” Louis frowns. “Can’t you see I’m losing my shit over here?”

Harry gives Nick an exasperated look. “Don’t fucking look at him like that,” Louis says, outraged. He steps in between their line of vision. “Fine. I’m taking your friend to distract me. You can fucking go rest in your silk robes or whatever, ya wanker.” He transfers both sticks into one hand and pulls Nick up from the chair with the other, leading him out the door, still clutching his hand. Nick looks a bit dazed, but Louis can’t even think about why. He desperately needs someone to divert his attention. He pulls Nick along through the hallway to Liam’s dressing room. He only releases Nick for long enough to burst through the door to claim a football and knock Liam’s hat off his head. “Hold these for me, will ya?” he asks Liam. He doesn’t wait for an answer before he places his drum sticks on a table and heads back to the hallway, dragging Nick along through back corridors.

He finds the exit door he’s looking for and props it open with a brick. “Come on then. Let’s have a kick around by the busses.”

Nick looks unsure. “Uh, not sure I can kick a ball too well in these boots.”

“Too late for that, mate,” Louis declares as he kicks the ball to Nick. “Should have worn trainers, more practical.”

Nick stops the ball and manages to pass it back. “I thought I was going to a concert not playing football.”

Louis grins. “Don’t know why you’d make that assumption. One should always be ready to play football at any given moment.”

“Is that your life’s motto?”

“Should be everyone’s, don’t ya think?”

“I’m not sure that’s a priority for everyone. I see you’re dressed appropriately for your motto though.”

Louis laughs. “Is that a crack at my clothes then?” He kicks the ball at Nick’s midsection.

“Oof,” Nick grunts as it hits him, and he picks up the ball. “What the hell? No, it wasn’t a crack at your clothes. I like them actually. I like your—shirt.”

Louis walks back to him. “You like my shirt?”

Nick swallows visibly and Louis watches him intently. “Yes. I do.”

“It’s a black tee shirt with the sleeves cut off.”

“I know—but it’s—you look,” Nick clears his throat. “It suits you.”

Louis isn’t an idiot. He knows that Nick wants him. He’s known for a while, but he does wonder why Nick hasn’t done anything about it. He’s done waiting. He keeps walking closer as Nick stumbles backwards a few paces, confused. Louis hits the ball out of Nick’s hands, and Nick watches it roll away. He grabs the front of Nick’s shirt and pulls him forward pressing their bodies together. Nick’s eyes grow wide at the sudden contact. “Tell me to stop,” Louis rasps into Nick’s ear. Nick’s only response is a whimper, which Louis takes as a sign to continue. When Louis takes his ear lobe between his teeth, he can feel the shiver that runs through Nick’s body. Fuck, that’s hot. He’s barely touched him, and he’s already provoked a physical response. But Nick still isn’t touching him back, his arms still hanging at his side. Louis releases his shirt and backs up a bit to search Nick’s face for clues, which is all it takes for Nick’s hands to shoot out and haul him back. Louis laughs brightly. Nick’s brain seems to have caught up with the situation. When Louis looks into his eyes now, he sees the lust burning in their depths. One large hand slips along Louis’ waist, holding him in place. Fingers brush up the nape of Louis’ neck as Nick pulls him in for a long, heated kiss. It’s Louis’ turn to feel a bit dazed as Nick’s expert lips press against his own, licking into his mouth in desperation.

“Ahem,” a loud voice says from the doorway. Nick immediately breaks the kiss as Louis chases the departing lips. “Lou, you’re on in five,” Alberto says, his eyes averted politely.

Louis’ eyes glisten in the dim light, his lips burning, his skin flushed. He flashes a smile at Nick and says, “After.” Just as he races off down the hall without either of them.

Nick watches him clamor away as Alberto says, “You want to grab that ball?”

“Oh, ehm. Sure.” Nick hurries over to retrieve Liam’s ball and brings it back. He tries to hand it to Alberto. “This is Liam’s, I think.”

“Oh, no,” Alberto says with a smirk. “You’ll be seeing Louis ‘after,’ so you can give it back then. Better head to your seat.” He turns leaving Nick with a football to carry around during a concert and a lot less dignity than he came here with.

*

Watching Louis play the drums is mesmerizing. He moves so gracefully and with such power. His strong arms pound out the beat as he kicks up his leg to hit the bass drum. He twirls the sticks in his hand effortlessly as he continues on with the song. His hair’s grown quite long, flying about his head in waves as he plays. But his face. Nick watches the concentration on Louis’ face in wonder. His nose scrunches up, his mouth open with a slip of his tongue to the side. On most anyone one else, the look would be quite fierce, but on Louis it simply looks breathtaking.

“Wow, Harry’s right,” Gemma says next to him.

Nick snaps his head back in her direction. “What?”

“You’ve got it bad.”

“Got what bad?”

“For Louis.”

Nick can feel the prickles of heat rise up his neck and into his face. “I don’t know what you’re speaking of.”

“Sure you don’t,” she says with a wink.

When they come back out for an encore, Nick remembers to start panicking. Did Louis really mean it? That he wants to see him after the show? Or will he have forgotten? Where is he supposed to go? How is he to know where to go ‘after’?

When the stage goes black and the crowds scream their appreciation, Nick stumbles along beside Gemma as they head back into the corridors behind the stage. The butterflies in his stomach threaten to come back up through his throat as they make their way back to Harry’s dressing room. He pauses as he reaches Louis’ door. Gemma smirks and continues on down the hall. What if he didn’t mean it? Nick stands in front of the door, palms sweating, the stupid football under one arm. Fuck, he should probably go give it back to Liam. He turns around and makes it a few paces before the door to Louis’ room flings open, a hand grabs him by the back of the shirt and pulls him staggering backwards through the doorway.

Louis slams the door behind them and then sees the football in Nick’s hands. “What the fuck? You still have the football?” he says before bursting into laughter.

Nick smiles sheepishly. “I—yes. Ehm. Was going to bring it back to Li—“

Louis knocks the ball out of his hands for the second time and backs Nick up into the door. “You’re not bringing back the football.”

“I—I’m not?” Nick stills as Louis’ hands find their way under his shirt, palms and fingers spread across the skin of his back as he presses his body against Nick.

“No. You don’t have time.” Louis says calmly as he lifts the shirt up over Nick’s head and tosses it over his shoulder to the floor.

“I don’t?” Nick asks, his breath coming faster just as Louis licks a stripe across his nipple. Nick’s head involuntarily thumps back against the door as he groans.

“Fuck. I like how that sounds.”

“What?” Nick groans again as Louis palms his hardening dick through his tight jeans.

“I like how you sound when I touch you,” Louis says as he flicks open the button and unzips Nick’s jeans before he slides his hand inside his pants.

Nick is shaking at the onslaught of desire that ripples through him. His brain has long since ceased to function properly. Louis’ presence stealing away each cell until all that’s left are sparks of electricity and bolts of lightning.

Nick opens his eyes to see Louis watching him. The blue of his eyes darkening with pleasure and mischief. He smirks as he pulls Nick’s jeans and pants down over his erect cock. “You look so happy to see me. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“What?” Nick pants out as Louis sinks to his knees and pulls Nick’s jeans to his ankles.

“Do you want me to touch you, Nick?”

“Wha—yes! Yes! Touch me! Fuck!”

“Why didn’t you tell me that’s what you wanted?” Louis asks just before he presses his thumbs into Nick’s thighs and licks a line up the underside of Nick’s dick.

“Fuck!” Nick shouts out. “Uh—ehm—“ He tries to answer. He can feel Louis’ breath hot against his thigh.

“Answer,” Louis says as he sinks his teeth into Nick’s thigh.

“Fuck, fuck, I don’t know. Always wanted,” he manages to blurt out.

Louis’ lips slide over the head of his cock.  It’s all been too fast for Nick. This reality has been his fantasy for as many months as he’s known Louis. He entwines his fingers in Louis’ hair, just to feel the strands between them as Louis’ tongue swirls around him. Louis pulls his mouth off of him, and Nick feels like he could cry at the loss of the warmth that had enveloped him only moments ago.

“Always?” Louis rasps out. Nick moans as the word trembles out against him.

“God, yes. Always. Since I first saw you—“ Nick shudders as Louis wraps a hand around the base of his cock and suddenly Nick is back in the welcoming heat of Louis’ mouth. Nick looks down at the beautiful boy in front of him, his cheekbones prominent as he sucks around him. Louis releases his mouth again.

“Keep talking,” he commands as he sucks back down around Nick. It opens the floodgates.

Nick can’t stop talking most times, but the words haven’t been flowing since he found himself pulled into the room. But now that it seems to be the magic key to keeping Louis’ mouth around him. His brain finally agrees to work with him on this.

“Louis. Louis, fuck, that feels good. You’re so beautiful. Ahh. I’ve wanted you since the first time I laid eyes—ahhh ahhh.” He stutters out as he watches Louis’ head move as he takes him further into his mouth. It’s not until he sees Louis has his other hand around his own hard dick pumping as he sucks Nick off that Nick feels the pull of his release. The knowledge that Louis is turned on by having Nick in his mouth is all it takes it seems. “Louis—I—‘m gonna---‘m---gonna come,” he warns, stars bursting behind his eyes. But Louis just pumps his hand over himself faster as Nick comes into the heat of Louis’ mouth. Louis swallows much of it as he continues to slide his fingers over himself. Nick’s already come, but he watches wide eyed at the sight before him. “You are the hottest thing I’ve ever seen in my life,” he says as Louis’ eyes burn into him and he spills into his hand at Nick’s words.

Nick stands, still leaning against the door with his jeans and pants around his ankles. “Well,” Louis finally says looking up at him from the floor. “That was—“

Nick’s mind fills in the blanks. Incredible. Mind blowing. Earth shattering. The best blow job of his life.

“—something.” Louis finishes.

Nick tenses. “Good something? Or bad something?”

Louis grins up at him from the floor with a wicked smile. “Definitely good,” he says as he licks his lips. He looks as though he’s about to say more when someone begins to pound loudly against the door.

“Ya know these walls ain’t that thick, lads,” Niall shouts from behind the door. “Tommo, hate to break up your sexy time, but we need to be in the cars, mate. We gotta record tonight.”

Louis sighs and tucks himself back into his pants.  Nick fumbles with his clothes, rucking his jeans back up his legs and finding his shirt.

“Uh, so,” Nick begins as he readies himself to leave. He had no idea any of tonight was going to happen. What is the protocol after messing around with your mate’s friend? The one he’s been pining over for months?

“So I’ll see ya around then,” Louis says casually as he opens the door.

The disappointment hits Nick like a freight train. He doesn’t even have Louis’ number. He moves towards the open door to leave and lick his wounds in private, only to have Louis grab his shirt and haul him into a filthy kiss. He can taste himself on Louis’ tongue.

“I’ll be back in London in a week,” Louis growls into his ear. “And I’ll be up for more than giving you a quick blow job next time.”

Nick’s knees wobble a bit at this pronouncement. “I—yes—okay—me too. Please.”

Louis gives him a blinding smile. “Seven days then.”

“Seven days,” Nick echoes.


	3. You Got Me Wrapped Around Your Little Finger

_When we kiss, It's as if our lips agree_

_that we were meant to be_

_When we touch, It's too much_

_Oh the sparks that fly, Are lighting up the sky_

                                           “You Got Me Wrapped Around Your Little Finger” –Beth Rowley

***

Wembley Stadium, London

6 June

**(-42 weeks)**

***

Louis relies heavily on muscle memory for the set list. It’s not even in the realm of possibility that he could play a song wrong, the patterns long ago burned into his limbs. He needs to be able to concentrate on listening to everyone else to really create the sound he wants. But tonight, he knows he’s relying too much on it. No one besides the band will notice. They’ll chalk it up to an off night for him. Only he will know that it’s because all he can think about is how Nick tastes, how he sounds when he comes, the way he looks at Louis as though gazing at a starlit night.

He’s not even sure Nick is here, which is another thought that snags a corner of his mind as he crashes cymbals through ‘Teenage Dirtbag.’ He’s spent the last few mornings listening to Nick’s wit and confidence on the radio, and it’s occurred to him that Nick on the radio is not the fumbling, stuttering Nick he sucked off in a backstage dressing room. He’s curious why that is. And he should definitely not be thinking this as he’s playing Wembley Stadium, fuck’s sake.

When the show’s over, he uses a towel to wipe up the sweat that drips off him as he strides back to his dressing room. Even if Nick’s not here, he’ll just ask Harry for his number. He moves purposefully through the corridors as he thinks through his next moves. Take a shower, put on some tight jeans, get Nick’s number from Harry.

He bangs open his dressing room door ready to move as quickly as possible. A loud squeak sounds from the couch as Nick jumps up in alarm.

“Christ. You scared the fuck out of me,” Nick says, clutching his chest. Louis stills, looking at him in surprise.

“Oh. Ehm. Sorry I just—sort of am here. Hiya! Surprise! In your room. Without asking. Well, I asked Alberto where I could maybe wait for you, and he took me back here. He also laughed at me a bit, which was—Anyway, I had a work engagement, so I couldn’t come until halfway through the concert. I would have told you if I’d had your number, but I didn’t want to be presumptuous that you wanted to know. Of course, now I’ve just showed up anyway, so I guess it didn’t matter if I’d just got your number from Harry. And I don’t even know if you were serious about—Well, what you said seven days ago. Not that I’m counting the days—“

“Nick.”

“What?”

“You talk too much.”

Nick flushes. “You said you liked when I talk.”

Louis grins. “True. But I think I heavily implied that I like to hear you talk when I’ve got your dick in my mouth.”

“Fuck.” Nick nearly whimpers the word.

He slowly walks over to stand in front of Nick and carefully pushes him back onto the couch. He lowers himself, straddling him as he sits in Nick’s lap. “This alright?”

A strangled sound leaves Nick’s throat. “Yes! Alright! Very Alright!”

He has been thinking about Nick for seven days, listening to his voice on the radio and imagining how he’d sound when he was once again touching him. Louis pulls him into a deep kiss, licking into his mouth. He can tell Nick is dressed with care, his quiff placed perfectly, that hint of cologne that Louis quite likes. He suddenly remembers he’s dripping with sweat. He pulls back from the kiss. “Sorry. I should probably shower. I’m sure I don’t smell so great,” he says and moves as if to lift himself off of Nick.

“No,” Nick says loudly as he reaches out to pull Louis back into his lap. “I mean, please. Don’t go.”

Louis smiles and grinds down against him as Nick moans. “Or I guess I could stay.”

“Please—yes—stay,” Nick stammers out.  Louis continues to swirl his hips down onto Nick, nosing along the line of Nick’s throat, chasing his scent. Nick’s body bucks up as his hands move from Louis’ waist down over his arse. Louis sucks down against the rapid pulse he finds as they begin to move in rhythm against each other. “Lou—you’re all I’ve thought about—fuck—Christ, you’re hot—I’ve been fantasizing—for months—“

Louis can feel how hard Nick is as he rubs against him. He rests his fingers on Nick’s shoulders and pulls back to look Nick in the eye as he raises an eyebrow. “Months?”

“Fuck—yes, months,” Nick groans as Louis reaches a hand down to press against him. He roughly grasps Louis’ arse and presses him firmly into him as his hips strain to keep the friction moving. Nick gasps as he realizes how close he is to coming now, just from grinding against Louis fully clothed.

Louis continues the faster pace as he growls into Nick’s ear. “You should have told me. I could have been riding your dick months ago.” And with that, Nick comes.

Louis looks at him in surprise. “Did you just—“

Nick shields his eyes with his arm in embarrassment. “Yes. I fucking just came in my pants like I’m seventeen all over again.”

“Fuck, that’s hot.” Louis knocks his arm away, his eyes wide.  “I want to see you. I want you to watch me.”

Nick, his face flushed pink, watches Louis as he zips down his jeans, releasing his dick. He starts to stroke himself, but Nick quickly replaces Louis’ hand with his own. Louis thrusts into Nick’s fist as he breathes heavily against his mouth. Their lips brush against each other as he gasps his name before coming into his hand.

With shaking legs, Louis climbs off of Nick’s lap and settles in next to him, pressed against his side. Nick wraps an arm around him, and Louis looks down at the wet spot across the front of Nick’s jeans and grins. It’s a heady sensation to have someone want him this much. And now, he’d very much like to have Nick in his bed, fucking him.

Louis turns to face him. “Nick?”

“Yes?”

“I want you to come back to my house and fuck me.”

Nick stares at him, his mouth hanging open. Louis raises an eyebrow. “Well?”

Nick jumps up from the couch. “What—yes—please—let’s go—let’s go now!“

“Well, I thought you might want to borrow some jeans before we go, seeing as how yours are—dirty. But I don’t think any of mine will fit you.” He grins. “You’ll have to go ask to borrow some of Harry’s.”

“Oh, God. Fuck. I have to go ask Harry for jeans because I came in my pants. That is—embarrassing.”

“Well, the faster you get it over with, the faster we’ll be fucking,” he says with a shrug.

Nick nearly trips over his own feet in his haste to leave the room. He comes back mortified. “I can never look them in the eye again,” he mutters.

“Them?”

“Yes, ‘them.’ Niall was in there, too.”

Louis bursts into laughter, though it slows a bit as Nick peels his jeans down his long legs and steps out of them. Then he slides down his pants, before pulling on a pair of Harry’s jeans back up his legs. As soon as he zips them, Louis pulls him out of the room. They stumble through back corridors, laughing. Their hands clasp together as they make their way into a back lot where a car is waiting.

 


	4. Love You Crazy

_All I hear when they say seize the day is your name_

_So alone with the love so tragic_

_One taste, I'm a full blown addict_

_Now I keep comin' back, gotta have it_

                     “Love You Crazy” -Mikky Ekko

 

***

14 June, London

**(-40 weeks)**

***

Nick sits in his meeting with Fiona and quite frankly pays zero attention to anything being said. He hopes it isn’t important. His mind is currently tuned to the Louis Tomlinson station, and all it plays are visions of Louis smirking, of Louis waking up sleepy and soft, of the way Louis looks when he comes, of how he swings his hips as he walks to the shower with nothing on but a smile. Louis, Louis, Louis, it taunts.

It’s been two days since Louis left for Doncaster. Two days since Louis has been in his bed. Two days since he has spoken to him.

And then the questions begin to run through his mind. Where is Louis now? What is he doing? Who is he talking to? What time does he leave for Stockholm? Will he text? Should he text?

His phone buzzes in his pocket. It burns with anticipation against his leg. Fiona suddenly stops talking and smiles. Is the meeting done then?

“Nick?”

“Yes?”

“That’s all for now, I suppose. You didn’t have much to say. Are you feeling okay?”

“Huh. Ehm, yes? Yes. Well, maybe no. Maybe I am a bit poorly.”

“Well, perhaps you should head home. Get some rest.”

“Yes. Probably. I’ll do that,” he says as he stands up from the chair and walks quickly back to his office. He immediately checks his phone. He opens the text and finds a photograph. It’s the lower half of Louis’ body clad only in tight black boxer briefs, one hand inside his pants, clearly wrapped around his hard cock. Nick fumbles with the phone, dropping it accidentally onto his desk with a thump. Beads of sweat break out across his forehead as he desperately tries to pull up the photograph again as fast as possible.

Fuck. This is the first time Louis has sent an explicit pic. Does he expect one in return? Oh god, he isn’t sure what to do. Okay, maybe he should go home first, and then take a picture. Probably not a great idea to take one at work. And Fiona did just tell him he should go home. The phone vibrates again.

_are you coming home or not?_

What? Nick looks at the photo more carefully. Fuck. That’s his duvet Louis is laying on. Holy shit. Louis is in his bed right now with his hand down his pants. Nick jumps up so quickly he hits his knees on his desk. He hops about in pain, willing his own hard dick to calm down. He takes some calming breaths and rearranges himself before whisking away with as much composure as he can muster.

He’s never driven so fast in his life. He bursts into his house, flinging open the door so violently that he seems to have frightened Pig. He instantly regrets that and bends down to pet her and apologize.

“Impressive,” says a voice behind him. “You must have driven like a maniac to make it here so fast.”

Nick looks up and gasps. Louis is still in the black pants from the photograph, but now with one of Nick’s black and white print shirts on. The fabric caresses the sides of his body, unbuttoned. “You’re wearing my shirt,” he says in a strangled voice.

Louis throws a grin over his shoulder as he saunters into the kitchen, Nick following behind him. “That I am, Nicholas. I was lying in your bed, thinking about how much I wished it were your fingers inside me instead of my own. It took so long to come. I just couldn’t fill myself the way you do. In the end I had to breathe in your scent from the pillows and wrap a hand around myself and call out your name before I could come.” Nick can feel the inescapable moan that comes out of his throat. “And I got a bit cold after that, so I threw on your shirt.” He states everything so openly that Nick almost feels ridiculous for the involuntary noises he’s making.

He tracks Louis’ movements around his kitchen and realizes that Louis knows where everything is. Louis knows where the kettle is kept. He opens cupboards confidently. He knows what’s in the drawers before he opens them. He purposely uses the Justin Bieber mug, so Nick can’t. He’s somehow already figured out it’s his favourite. It throws him for a moment. It seems too intimate for someone to know these things so quickly, but everything has been intense from the start. And it all makes sense really. Louis has spent the better part of the last week here. He has come in every room of this house, Nick thinks as he watches him pour a bit of milk into his cup.  Nick stares at the table. Three days ago, he’d bent Louis over it and fucked him from behind. He gulps at the memory.

Louis drops a spoon. Nick’s head turns towards the noise of it clattering to the floor, and Louis bends down slowly from the waist. The silken shirt he’s stolen from Nick rides up, exposing the beautiful lines of his bum. Nick nearly injures himself falling to his knees. His self-control has been in short supply lately. He runs his hands up the back of Louis’ exquisite calves, his thighs. He brushes up the shirt to cup Louis’ arse, his thumb pressed against his hole through his pants. It’s Louis’ turn to moan and steady himself on the counter as he pushes back against Nick’s fingers. Nick accepts this as an invitation to draw Louis’ pants down to his ankles and allow him to step out of them. This time, Nick uses his lips to trace back up Louis’ legs until he reaches his arse. Nick’s breath fans out hot against Louis’ bare skin. “Please, Lou. Can I?”

Nick can feel Louis trembling. “Christ. Fuck. Get on with it,” Louis replies roughly.

Nick spreads him open with his fingers, the silk shirt rucked up, as he licks one slow stripe against him. Louis’ hands on the counter instantly slide out as his elbows hit the surface. Nick steadies him with his hands as he licks into Louis’ lube slicked hole. “Lou, you taste like—vanilla.”

“I—I—used a flavoured kind. Smelled nice. Ah—ah—found it in the drawer.”

Nick thrusts his tongue in and out as he listens to the incoherent noises above him. “ I‘m close,” he hears Louis pant. Nick replaces his tongue with a finger and grasps Louis’ cock, sliding his hand in long strokes. Louis lets out a noise of surprise and comes almost immediately.

Nick sits back on his knees, still fully dressed with his dick hard in his jeans. He palms himself to ease the ache as Louis glances down at him. “We should take care of that,” he says. Louis slides to the floor and begins undressing Nick. He roughly draws the shirt up over his head and unzips his jeans yanking them to his ankles. Nick props himself up on his elbows to watch Louis take him in his mouth. The sight of him, his hair in his face, his eyes glazed with passion is nearly enough to make Nick come on the spot. He throws his head back as he revels in the feel of his dick enveloped in the heat of Louis’ mouth. Louis’ fingers press hard into his thighs as he takes Nick further and further into his mouth. He lifts his head back up to watch. Louis peers back under eyelashes wet with tears, nearly choking on Nick, and that’s what sends him over the edge and shooting down Louis’ throat. Louis sits up and wipes his arm across his mouth, a satisfied smile crossing his face.

Nick just stares. How is this even his life? Louis stands up, now wearing only Nick’s shirt. Good god, that look really does it for him. Louis holds out a hand to help Nick up from the floor. He tries to take advantage of the help, but his jeans are still around his ankles, and he instead nearly falls over. Louis laughs. “Just take them off. Won’t be needing those the rest of the day.”

Nick kicks them all the way off before letting Louis draw him down the hallway towards the bedroom. They tumble on to the bed, sleepy from their orgasms. Louis presses brief kisses against the bare skin of Nick’s chest, and Nick’s mind begins to wake up a bit from the fog that Louis’ presence brings. “I didn’t know you’d be back in London before heading back on tour.”

Louis stills. “I wasn’t supposed to. Was just going to spend a few days in Donny and then fly out of London tomorrow.”

“What changed?”

“You,” Louis says simply. “Wanted to see you before I left again.”

“Oh.” Nick’s heart pounds harder in his chest.

“You know I can feel that, right?” Louis asks as he presses another kiss to Nick’s chest.

“Feel what?”

“Your pulse racing.”

“Heh. Ehm, yeah. Proud of yourself, are you?”

Louis blinds him with a smile. “Yes, actually. Can do it just with my words apparently.”

“Oh god.”

“Nick, I very much enjoyed all the days I spent in your bed last week.” Louis smiles as he places his hand over Nick’s chest to track his response. He’s rewarded with a decided thump.

“Nick, I came back a day early just so I could feel your cock inside me again.” The thumping of his heart increases.

“Nick, I would really like to see you ride my dick.” The thumps are joined by a gasp.

“Nick, you should have called while I messed about in Donny, so you could listen to me come to the sound of your voice.”  The thumps now joined by a groan.

“Nick, you should meet me in France.” Nick’s not sure if his pulse is racing anymore because it felt more like his heart just stopped. Louis sits up and looks into his eyes. “We’ll be in Paris in a week. You should come.” Nick’s heart is back to its frantic pace. Louis seems not to have any reservations about asking him this.  It’s so obvious that Nick is already desperate for him, clearly his heart beat has already betrayed him.

 


	5. Magic

 

_I see you under the midnight_

_All shackles and bows_

_How far will you take it_

_Well no one knows_

_Don't let me go_

_I got a hold on you tonight_

                “Magic” -The Cars

***

Paris

20 June

**(-39 weeks)**

***

The sound of Louis’ mobile ringing next to his head gradually breaks through the cobwebs of sleep enough for him to answer. “ ‘lo?”

“You sent a car for me.”

Louis smiles groggily at the sound of Nick’s voice.

“I did,” Louis says, his voice still hoarse from sleep.

“Impressive.”

“Is that all it takes to impress you then? I’ll send you cars everywhere you go.” Louis teases as he sits up a bit in bed, his hand pressed to his belly.

“Shit. I’ve waken you up, haven’t I?”

“It’s okay.“

“Fuck. I’m so used to getting up early. I took the earliest flight out, and I just forgot not everyone is up at this—“

“Nick. It’s fine. Really. I’m glad you called. Now I’ll be prepared when you get here.”

“Prepared?” Nick squeaks out.

Louis laughs. “I didn’t actually mean it like that, but maybe I should if you’re already thinking about it.”

“No! I mean, yes, I am now thinking it—just you don’t have to—I didn’t mean—“

“Stop panicking.”

“Okay.”

“I can hear you groaning. Are you doing that thing where you shade your eyes a bit when you’re embarrassed?”

“Maybe,” Nick mutters.

“Have you eaten? I could order something to be brought up.”

“No, I haven’t eaten. That sounds great.”

Louis grabs the room service menu. “Okay, love I’ll hang up now, so I can order us some breakfast. And maybe I should put some pants on. I guess I slept naked last night.” Louis pauses and can hear Nick clear his throat and make a strange noise.  “I can hear those noises you’re making by the way.”

“Yes, well. You’re just trying to make me do them on purpose now.”

Louis grins as he rubs the sleep from his eyes. “Damn right. See you in a bit.”

“Humph. Be there soon.”

Louis hangs up and orders some food. He takes a quick shower and throws on some joggers and a t shirt. He looks at himself in the mirror and fixes his hair a bit before smirking at his own reflection. His white t shirt is nearly sheer, his tattoos clearly seen through them. The grey joggers are ones that Nick has mentioned make him think obscene things about his bum. So maybe he chose them on purpose.

He’s not sure if the knock at the door is Nick or room service, but he flings it open quickly and smiles.

“Hiya.” Nick is standing in the door, looking about nervously. “Um, so—“

“Come in! The food should be here any minute. So—“ Nick enters, and Louis can’t tell if Nick is trying to hug him or kiss him in greeting, but either way it’s awkward. Nick looks amazing in his tight black jeans, holes at the knees, and a graphic print shirt.  So Louis yanks his shirt and holds on as he kisses him deeply.

“God. Okay. Kisses as a greeting are a go then,” Nick says a bit dazed.

Louis shrugs. “In private anyway.”

Nick still has his bags next to him. “So where should I put my stuff? I feel a bit bad putting you out like this. Like you’ll have no privacy and—“

“Nick.”

“Yes?”

“It’s fine okay? I don’t want privacy. If I wanted privacy, I wouldn’t have asked you to come. And it’s just a hotel room. You aren’t putting me out.”

“Really? Because it looks like you’ve moved in here. You’ve only been here a day. How do you have stuff all over the room already?”

Louis grins. “I like a place to feel lived in. Now go throw all your stuff in the closet. Or wherever you’d like really.”

A knock sounds at the door.  A muffled voice announces their room service has arrived.  Louis ushers the hotel staff inside where he wheels in a cart laden with food.

“How much did you think we would eat?” Nick asks incredulous at how much Louis has ordered.

“Didn’t know what you’d want. So I just ordered a lot of different things.”

They eat breakfast first, and then Nick empties out his bags. He hangs a few shirts in the closet and puts his toiletries in the loo. When Louis goes in to take a wee, he eyes the toothbrush next to his own and a strange sense of domesticity shoots through him. In all the nights he’s spent at Nick’s flat, he never brought anything over. It all feels new somehow.

They have a few hours together before sound check, and Nick keeps glancing at him as though he doesn’t know what to expect. While Louis’ initial instinct is to strip his clothes off immediately, it has been a week without getting any after all, he decides they should actually leave the hotel room.

“Really?” Nick asks, his eyebrows raise in surprise.

“Why do you say “really?” Why is it hard to believe I’d want to see a bit of Paris while we’re here?”

“Uh, no reason. I just meant that people might—I don’t know—See us together and—you know.”

“And what?” Louis crinkles his nose. He honestly doesn’t get what Nick is trying to spit out here.

Nick’s face colours a bit. “Might assume we’re—something.”

Louis snorts as he grabs the hotel key from the desk. “Put your boots on Nicholas. No one gives a shit if me and a friend want to go look at that fucking giant head statue by that one church.”

Nick’s face transforms into a smile. “L’ecoute? You want to go see L’ecoute?”

“Sure. Is that what it’s called? I’ve only ever seen photos of it.” He shrugs as he opens the door for Nick to pass through.

“Yes, that’s what it’s called. And I’m sure no one cares. You’re right. We’re just two—friends, sightseeing.”

Louis catches the slight hitch in Nick’s voice. He’s fairly certain he knows why. He lets the back of his fingertips brush down the side of Nick’s arm as they walk towards the elevators. He hears Nick’s sharp intake of breath at the touch before he reaches Nick’s fingers and intertwines them with his own as they step into the elevator. Louis presses him against the mirrored wall as the doors close. “Yep. Friends. You know, the kind who make each other come in backstage dressing rooms,” he whispers, his breath warm against Nick’s ear.  “The kind who fuck each other in every room of their flat” he says as he bites down gently on Nick’s ear lobe. “The kind who like to taste each other’s bodies,” he says as he licks a stripe across Nick’s pulse at his neck.

“Oh,” Nick lets out the word as a pant.

The elevator doors open, and Louis backs up slowly and lets a bright smile cross his face as he walks confidently towards the main entrance of the hotel.  Nick follows him. He glances back to see Nick’s dazed expression and giggles a bit to himself.

“You know I can hear you laughing at me, Tomlinson.”

The staff open the doors for them to pass through as Louis briefly looks for the car he knows will be waiting and leads Nick towards the sleek black sedan. The driver sees them coming and hops out to open the back door for them. “So do you know where this thing is then, Nicholas?”

“Oh, the sculpture? Ehm, yes.” Nick leans forward towards the driver. “St. Eustache, please.”

The car smoothly pulls away, and Louis has zero clue as to where St. Eustache is. He watches Paris through the window until he can feel Nick’s eyes on him. He smirks a bit to himself before turning to catch him. “Get a good look then?”

“Hmm, what? Oh, the city. Yes, it’s always so pretty here.”

“You weren’t watching the city.” Louis lifts an eyebrow in challenge.

Nick slides a hand behind his neck and laughs a bit. “Ah, yeah. Well, the view I was looking at is always quite pretty as well.”

“Not pretty. I’m quite manly, I’ll have you know. I’m a drummer. In a band and everything.”

Nick snorts. “Prettiest drummer there ever was.”

When they arrive, Louis immediately hops out of the car and strides toward the sculpture. He’s just drawn to this massive thing, sitting here right in front of an elaborate Gothic church. It’s fucking awesome is what it is. “Nick! Are you seeing this thing? What the hell. It’s fucking great.”

“Lou. Um. You might want to curb the language a bit.”

“Huh? Oh.” Louis realizes the sculpture is a bit overrun with children and a few tourists. “Hopefully, they don’t speak English,” he says sheepishly. He waits impatiently for a turn to climb up on it a bit. After a few minutes there’s a lull in the action, so he climbs up and has Nick take his picture. Nick is grinning so hard at him. He isn’t sure why, but it feels good to make someone smile like that. He returns the smile as he jumps down.

“Where to next?” Nick looks around the square. “Do you fancy going in the church itself? Or is that not something you’d be interested in? Les Halles is nearby as well.” Nick scrunches his nose up when he says it as though he really isn’t thrilled about going there.

Louis shrugs. “Do they have an Adidas?”

“We could go see.”

“Not unless you want to. Where would you like to go?” He only has a little over three hours to spend with Nick before sound check, and he finds he’d really like to do something that would make Nick happy.

Nick stops to think. He glances around as though orienting himself in the city. “How about if we just walk around? There’s a really great neighborhood nearby. Have you ever been to the shops on Rue Montorgueil?”

“Can’t say that I have. Haven’t really had much chance to see a lot of Paris when we’ve been here for tour. And I didn’t really travel much before the band.”

Nick smiles brightly. “Well, you’re in for a treat then.” Louis and Nick walk slowly down a street lined with bakeries and food shops and chocolate shops and what looks to be kitchenware stores. “I hope you don’t mind if we just stop in at a few of my favourite shops here.”

“ ‘Course not, love. Lead the way.” The walk is pleasant with only foot traffic here with the street blocked off from cars. Nick ducks under a yellow awning and into a bakery, and Louis follows him into a beautiful shop with a magnificent ceiling and chandelier, the air scented with pastries and breads. He’s a bit mesmerized and doesn’t even see what Nick’s bought here. Nick stops in at a cheese shop next and buys some sliced cheeses. A chocolate shop yields a few more truffles than anyone could ever eat in one sitting, but Louis couldn’t decide between them and Nick insisted on buying every kind he seemed at all interested in trying.

“Okay, I’m ready.”

“Ready for what?” Louis looks up from a jar of chocolate spice made with red pepper.

“You’ll see.”

He leads Louis back down the street and winds his way through many more. And it’s here in the twists and turns of Parisian streets that Nick tells him about the day he adopted Pig and the most embarrassing thing that ever happened in secondary school and his favourite places to go in Oldham and how uni didn’t really pan out for him and how it felt to host that first day of the Breakfast Show. Something stirs in Louis’ chest that he can’t put a name to. Nick chatters on as he leads him to some unknown destination, and it amazes Louis that he seems to know his way around so well. Unless they’re lost and Louis doesn’t know it yet. Nick suddenly stops in his tracks and looks at Louis, eyes wide.

“What? Are we lost?”

Nick’s cheeks begin to stain pink, and while Louis thinks it looks becoming, he knows Nick must be embarrassed about something. “No, but I’m rambling on and on about the most random things imaginable. Sorry. I ramble as a default in case you hadn’t noticed.”

Louis realizes he’s been smiling throughout the entire walk and his cheeks actually hurt. “I have maybe noticed, but I promise to be charmed by it.”

“Right,” Nick mumbles as he begins walking again around one last corner.

Louis looks onto the square dominated by the strangest looking building and a whimsical fountain with brightly coloured sculptures moving and spraying water. “Woah.”

“Do you like it? I thought since you liked L’Ecoute that maybe you’d think this was cool, too.”

“Hell yes. Very cool.” Nick leads him around the building as they look up at the exposed skeleton of the structure, large colourful tubes and a clear one for the exterior escalator. He feels a little silly saying it, but he feels comfortable enough to ask as they walk back towards the fountain. “What’s the building? I feel like I should know it.”

“It’s a museum. Centre Pompidou. Modern and Contemporary art. We’ll have to go inside some time. I think you’d like it. Anyway, I thought we could sit by the fountain and eat some of the stuff I bought.”

Louis stares up at the building, shading his eyes a bit from the sun. He’s seen the place in a photo once, he thinks, but no one ever thought to bring him here. Or even mention it to him. A small flutter in his chest causes him to press his hand there, and it catches him off guard. He shakes it off and looks to see Nick sitting on the bench that runs the edge of the fountain, his long legs spread out before him. Nick waves with the hand not in the sack of food and smiles so widely that his teeth show. Louis begins striding purposefully towards him when someone suddenly steps into his line of vision.

“Louis! I’m so sorry to bother you, but I’m a huge fan of Seventy-Eight. I have tickets to tonight’s show!”

“Oh, uh. Thanks. No bother. Glad you can come see us. Should be a great show, I think.”

The young woman’s eyes glisten a bit with emotion. “I’m so happy you came to Paris. I’m actually from Manchester, but I’m studying here and couldn’t make it to any of the shows at home. And I’ve felt a bit homesick. I don’t really have many friends here yet. But tonight I’m meeting up with some Seventy-Eight fans that I met online. I can’t even explain what your music has brought to my life.” Tears begin to fall faster than she can wipe them away.

“Aw, bring it in, love,” he says as he opens his arms, and she throws herself into his arms.

She sniffles and looks over her shoulder. “Is that Nick Grimshaw?”

“Oh. Uh, yes it is.” Nick waves from his spot at the fountain.

She releases him from the hug. “Oh, are you guys here together? I didn’t know you were friends!”

“Ehm, well. Yep. We are.”

“Wow! So cool! Would you mind if we took a picture?” He must have a strange look on his face because she suddenly shifts her tone.  “It’s totally fine if you don’t want to. Ugh, I’m sorry. Never mind. It was so lovely to meet you and get to talk to you.”

“No, no. It’s fine. I’ll, um, have Nick take it for us.”

Her face splits into a wide smile. “Oh, thank you so much, Louis! You’re my new favourite!”

He motions to Nick to come over. “What? I wasn’t even your favourite before now? Forget it. Photo’s canceled,” he laughs.

“I’m sorry!” she laughs. “I just really liked Niall actually. I have a thing for guitar players, but not anymore! Now I’m all about the drummers, promise!”

“Well, okay then.”

“Hiya, I’m Nick!” Nick says as he approaches.

“I know,” she says with a smile.

“Mind taking our photo, Grimshaw?” Louis asks as he puts an arm around her shoulder.

“Sure.” Nick takes her phone and snaps a few photos.

She thanks him profusely and then hesitantly asks Nick, “Would you mind taking one with me, too?”

Nick bites his lip and looks at Louis in alarm. Louis takes her phone and says, “Go on then.” Nick seems to relax a bit and poses with her for the photo.

She thanks them again and begins to back away. She’s smiling at them so happily and keeps waving.

“So let’s eat a truffle before we have to go to sound check,” Nick says as he turns back towards the fountain.

“Oh, you don’t have to come to sound check. You can go out and do whatever while I’m there. Go have fun. Go see Paris.”

Nick’s face softens a bit. “I’m not here to see Paris.”

 


	6. You Are the Best Thing

_ The way you move me, it’s crazy _

_ It’s like you see right through me _

_ And make it easier _

_ Believe me, you don’t even have to try _

            “You Are the Best Thing” -Ray LaMontagne

***

Barcelona

11 July

**(-36 weeks)**

*******

Nick lives his life in a fever dream. He somehow manages to drift through his work and days and nights and life, but it doesn’t feel like he’s alive, really alive, until he’s speaking with Louis. On the phone, on Skype, texting, sexting. He knows he’s in the throws of an intense infatuation, but fuck if he’s ever felt this way before. It feels amazing and terrifying, and at this point he’s just trying to hold himself together.

He’d lasted two weeks before he found himself on a flight to Germany to spend another weekend in Louis’ bed. They didn’t see much of Dusseldorf. They lay tangled up together in Louis’ hotel and only show their faces during sound check and the actual concert. Louis does a radio show, and Nick forces himself to stay behind. It feels like the longest hours of his life, knowing Louis is nearby whilst his body itches for his return. And now he finds himself a week later on this flight to Barcelona thinking about how as soon as he can get inside Louis’ room, he’s going to hold him down and fuck him into the bed.

Louis has sent a car for him again. It still does something to Nick that Louis thinks of him. To be honest Nick still has no clue what’s really happening between them. They talk; they talk a lot actually, but not about this. And they have sex, a lot of sex, but they don’t really talk about that either.

Louis is staying at the Ritz, of course. As soon as Nick sees the Mediterranean Sea, he types out a quick text to let Louis know he’s nearly at the hotel. Louis texts him back with a room number and what to say to the concierge to make sure he’s able to get to their exclusive floor. He reassures him that he’s already spoken to them, and that he’s expected.  The last of the series of texts gives him pause though.

_Come in by yourself. I have a surprise_

Nick’s blood thumps painfully through him at the thought of what that could entail. He doesn’t even get to have much of a look around the extremely posh suite as he’s intent on finding Louis instead. The surprise doesn’t disappoint.

Along one corner of windows is a long white sofa. Bright sunlight streams through the glass showing every detail of the nude man sprawled back across it. Louis’ tan skin on decadent display, his tattoos stark against his skin, tendrils of hair dark and wet against the pillows as he fingers himself open. He’s moaning Nick’s name obscenely, and Nick wonders if he’s hallucinating all this. This can’t possibly be real.  _ He _ can’t possibly be real. Nick’s cock is already hardening in anticipation. Louis’ eyelids drift open as the smuggest smile imaginable crosses his face. God, he knows what he’s doing to Nick. Nick whimpers as he stumbles across the room and lands at Louis’ feet. The clean smell of Louis’ body fresh from a shower doesn’t match the filthy way he’s scissoring his fingers inside himself. Nick sits frozen, eyes open wide, at the incredible sight before him.

“Fuck, Grimshaw,” Louis calls out. “Are you going to make me beg you to get up here, so I can ride your dick?”

Nick scrambles to his feet and plops down inelegantly next to Louis as he tries to unfasten his skinny jeans as quickly as possible. He barely manages to get his jeans and pants to his knees before Louis is climbing on top of him, straddling him on the sofa as he rolls a condom down over Nick’s cock. There’s no time for his mind to adjust to the situation before Louis has begun easing himself onto Nick’s dick.

Louis’ mouth parts, and he pants a bit before beginning to slide up and down on top of him. Nick can only watch and hold onto Louis’ bum with both hands, guiding him a bit as he bounces up and down. He lets his fingers press into Louis’ flesh a bit before he lets them glide up Louis’ body, pressing them closer together. Louis’ dick slides between them against Nick’s shirt, which is when Nick realizes he’s not even got undressed.

“God, Lou. Feel so good. Fuck.” Nick murmurs. “Missed you. Missed this.”

Louis settles his lips gently against Nick’s as he continues to ride atop him, his arms wrapped around Nick’s shoulders. He breathes words of lust and longing into Nick’s mouth until Nick is coming into him. Nick wraps one long hand along Louis’ cock, and a few strokes is all it takes for Louis to spill onto Nick’s shirt with a gasp.

They pant against each other for a few moments, Nick still inside him, until Louis gingerly separates them and plops down beside him, seemingly very satisfied with himself.

“Proud of yourself, are you?”

Louis gives him a toothy grin. “Damn right. Your shirt’s a bit messy though, love.”

“Didn’t have much time to take it off.” Nick frowns down at his shirt. “Should probably take a shower. I’m probably a bit smelly from the travel and all that.”

“Right. The travel.” Louis smirks. “Well, I’d come blow you in the shower, but a bit hungry, me.”

Nick watches as Louis strides nude through the suite to a tray of food on a table. The view of his bum walking away from him is spectacular, and he can hardly tear his gaze away. Mesmerising.

Nick finds his bag dumped haphazardly on the floor and grabs it along with toiletries from his suitcase before heading into the marbled shower. He leaves the door open as he readies himself in case Louis should need something. He can hear him banging around the suite. First with his drumsticks, presumably, and then he hears the soft singing to accompany it. He stills to listen. He’s never heard Louis sing before. He didn’t even realise Louis could sing. A few lyrics float back to him, but he doesn’t recognise the song. 

_everything I need I get from you_

And that’s really something that Nick doesn’t recognise it because Nick prides himself a bit on knowing just about everything new that’s come out. He’s a radio DJ for fuck’s sake. The singing drifts off though, and Nick files it away with all the other small things he’s learning about Louis. His brain seems to be slowly being overtaken with them.

///

Louis wakes up to the feeling of a hard dick against his bum. Very nice. He still finds it hard to sleep in hotel rooms, even after all this time of being on the road. He generally prefers to just stay on the tour bus whenever possible, but obviously not when he’s got someone to warm his bed. He can hear Nick’s even breathing, and he lets that soothe the inner twitch that regularly bombards Louis’ brain. The calm only lasts about five minutes before all Louis can think about is the dick currently pressing against him, and he can’t help but rub back against him. He can hear when Nick awakes, his breathing quickening against his ear. Nick’s long fingers wrap around him and begin to stroke as he ruts up against Louis’ body.

“Fuck yes,” Louis moans as Nick nips at Louis’ ear and neck as they both come, panting each other’s names.

“Well,” Nick says against his shoulder. “That was a nice wake up call.”

He shuffles in Nick’s arms to face him and grins. “Your dick woke me up. It’s an early riser.”

Nick smiles, his eyes still heavy lidded with sleep. “Ah, can’t say I’m that sorry about that, I’m afraid. Not when this is what it gets me.”

“What’s it got you? A sticky boy? Got it on my front and back at this point, Grimshaw.”

“It got me an orgasm, and yes, a sticky boy. Both excellent gifts.” Nick pretends to look down at his own dick. “Thank you very much.”

“You just talked to your own dick, mate. Probably time to get up.” Louis says as he twists Nick’s nipple before rolling out of bed.

Nick lets out a yelp and holds his chest in pain. Louis can feel his eyes watching him as he goes, so he gives him a bit of a show on his way to the shower. It’s apparently quite effective as he hears the thump of Nick scrambling out of bed to come after him. “Uh, thought you might like some—help in there.”

Louis peeks over his shoulder at Nick as he runs a hand through his rumpled hair. Louis can’t seem to get enough of his attention, even though it does seem that he receives quite a lot of it as it is. It’s quite gratifying somehow to have this handsome man panting after him so shamelessly. “You’re a dirty old man. You just want to wash my bum for me.”

“Heyyy. Not old.” Nick grumbles as he follows Louis into the shower.

“Just dirty?”

“Maybe,” Nick laughs. “I’ll wash your hair for you, too though. Not just your bum.”

“Deal,” Louis cackles as he turns on the spray.

The marbled shower is quite large, definitely spacious enough to accommodate the both of them at once, but it’s still a bit awkward to stay under the spray and keep warm. They end up plastered together, laughing a bit until Louis gets soap in his eyes. “Ow, ow! You’ve injured me!”

“You injured yourself! You’re spraying soap everywhere!”

They do manage to clean up somewhat, and Louis magnanimously allows Nick to dry off his bum for him. Nick says it’s only fair as he didn’t live up to his end of the deal in the shower. Nick pats him dry with the soft towel, almost reverent in how carefully he does it. It sends strange waves of pleasure through Louis, desire and something else that he can’t quite put a name to. He leaves Nick in the loo to fix his hair and walks out into the sitting area of the suite. He grabs his notebook and jots down a few more lyrics that are clearly working themselves into a song. He’s always helped write Seventy Eights’ songs, but not the lyrics. They’ve always left that to Harry, but now, well, he’s starting to hear words with his songs, which is—new.

Nick comes out looking posh as ever, a red striped shirt and blue plaid trousers, which makes Louis smile fondly. “What?” Nick asks at the look.

“Nothing. Just look nice is all.”

Nick blushes a bit. Interesting that he can make him blush like that over a compliment. “So you’re embarrassed now? But not when you’ve got your tongue up my arse?”

“How would you know? Maybe I blush like a schoolgirl whilst I’ve got my tongue up your arse.”

“Fair enough.” Louis grins. “So what do you have in mind for today? The show isn’t until tomorrow. I came a day earlier than the rest.”

He taps his fingers against his knee to an unconscious beat. Nick is watching him again in that way he has. Like he’s trying to solve a puzzle of some sort. It makes him a bit self-conscious if he’s honest. “Well, you seem a little keyed up, so I thought maybe we could go out and do something.”

Louis stills his hand. “Ehm, sure. I mean you could always just fuck me a couple of times, and I’d get the same benefit, but okay.”

Nick laughs. “Well, Iove, seeing as that’s what we usually do, I thought maybe we’d try something different, if that’s okay?”

There’s an odd tone to Nick’s voice when he says this, and Louis isn’t sure what to make of it. But it seems important to Nick that they go out and do something for once, so he isn’t going to say no. He looks out at the sea beyond his window. “So what should we do?” He looks down at the beach, but it doesn’t really hold any appeal to him to just lie about on a beach chair.

“I thought maybe we could go to Casa Mila, actually.”

Louis looks back at Nick. “What’s that?”

“It’s an apartment building designed by Gaudi, and I think you might really like it.”

Louis quirks an eyebrow at this. “An apartment building?”

Nick fiddles a bit with the hem of his shirt. “Yeah, but not like  _ just _ an apartment building. It’s in the Eixample neighbourhood with all these amazing looking buildings. Anyway, you can tour through it. It’s very visually abstract and it sort of—reminds me of you.”

“An apartment building reminds you of me?”

Nick is blushing again. “Yes? It’s a bit hard to explain unless you actually see it. But we can do something else though. Go somewhere else. It was just a thought—“

“No, no. I want to go there. I want to see this apartment building that looks like me.”

“Oh, shut up. It doesn’t look like you. I just think you’ll like it.”

///

Louis stares up at the rippling curved façade of the Casa Mila in awe. “Wow. It’s like stone waves or summat.”

“Brilliant, isn’t it?”

Louis glances back at Nick who is looking at him a bit nervously for some reason. “Yeah, it is. Very cool. So we can go in here then?”

“Yep. You can go through the main apartment, and there’s a museum on the top floor. No straight walls anywhere in the building, which is pretty incredible. And actually the best part is on the roof.”

“The roof?”

“Yeah, see the chimneys up there?” Nick points, but Louis can only see the very tops of them from his view on the sidewalk. “Well, I guess you can’t see them very well from here, but there are sculptured ducts and chimneys with mosaic tiles. Anyway, we can walk around a bit up there if you want.”

There are a fair number of tourists in the building, but it’s not terribly crowded. No one pays them any mind. They tour through the building, Nick’s hand brushing the small of his back as he leads him through. Each small touch sends an odd ache straight through him. It’s a bit disconcerting. In the end, Nick’s right; the roof is the best part. Even the roof is curved, not a straight edge in sight, and Nick takes his photo standing against a backdrop of white mosaic tiles swirled around a large chimney.

He looks over the edge of the roof towards the city streets below, and he wonders how Nick could choose so right on this. “How did you know I’d like it here?” he asks as Nick joins him, shading his eyes in the midday sun.

“Oh. Ehm. Thought since you liked L’ecoute in Paris, maybe you’d like this as well. Don’t know why I thought it really.”

Nick looks embarrassed again, so Louis brushes his fingers up Nick’s arm and slides an arm under his and around his waist, pulling him closer. “You were right. It’s amazing here. I’m glad this really cool place reminds you of me.”

Nick slides his sunnies back over his eyes, and Louis frowns at the loss of contact. But then, Nick clears his throat. “Well, it’s very—fascinating. It’s like looking at something still that is constantly in motion. It’s full of contradictions and beauty and sound and light and—“

“And?”

“And I guess I do know why it reminds me of you.”

Louis’ heart skips to an off beat for a moment as he looks at Nick’s profile against the Spanish sun. 

Neither of them notice the tourist taking photographs behind them.


	7. Dive

_ So don’t call me baby _

_ Unless you mean it _

_ Don’t tell me you need me _

_ If you don’t believe it _

_ So let me know the truth _

_ Before I dive right into you _

              _“Dive” –Ed Sheeran_

***

London

18 July

**(-35 weeks)**

*******

Louis stares at the Instagram post for a few minutes. There are two photos posted. His phone is being bombarded with texts and messages and voicemails, which is making it a little difficult to even look at the photos properly, but he thinks they at least look well in them.  They’re both equally damning in their own way. Nick taking a photograph of him against the backdrop of the mosaic tiles on the roof of Casa Mila with Louis smiling flirtatiously, his hand propped on his hip. He knows it’s the other photo people are talking about though. They’re standing too close together, and while the person taking the photo hadn’t captured Louis’ arm around Nick’s waist, it’s fairly obvious that’s where it had been. At least to Louis’ eyes anyway.

Honestly, they’d been pretty lucky thus far. That fan in Paris never posted her pics on social media. A good egg, that one. She’d seemed really genuine and heartfelt in just wanting him to know how much it had all meant to her. She must have really meant it. Or maybe she knew what would happen if she posted them. These pics though; these are different. Sneaky ones. Harry would have spotted these being taken a mile away. Louis sighs.

He tries scrolling through to find Nick’s messages amongst all the others, but he gives up pretty quickly and instead just scrolls through his contacts and calls him. The pics have been up for a grand total of fifteen minutes, but he supposes someone’s told Nick by now.

“Hiya.”

“Hi.”

“So.”

“Yeah.”

Nick clears his throat, but then says nothing.

“I mean, they’re pretty innocent really.” Louis reasons.

Nick snorts. “Never would have used that word to describe you.”

Louis laughs. “Maybe innocent is the wrong word then.”

“Um, so is there like a plan or something? Or like am I supposed to say something or not say something or—“

“Dunno. I haven’t spoken with anyone yet.”

“Oh.”

“Thought I’d call you first.”

“Oh.”

Nick’s one word answers seem off for him, and it grates at him a bit. “Well, it’s no one’s business but ours anyway. I’ll go tell everyone to fuck off.”

“Okay.”

“I can hear you thinking from here.” Louis says a bit exasperated. “Just say what it is then. What are you thinking?”

“You can hear me thinking?”

“Yes. You’re not saying anything when normally you don’t ever shut up. You know, unless my dick’s in your mouth.”

Nick sniffs. “Well, I don’t know that there’s much to say when you haven’t spoken with anyone yet. Like your team or what have you. Management and such. The band. I’m not sure what you’d like me to say or do. It’s one thing for you to be out as bisexual. It’s quite another for people to actually see you dating a man and—“

“Knew you were thinking shit.”

“Well, obviously I was thinking things, Louis, I—“

“So we’re dating then?”

There’s a short pause. “Well—ehm—yes? I mean, if you—if I—I thought—it’s your—up to—“

Louis can feel the grin overtaking his face. “Was there an answer in there?”

“Wait. What? Was there a question?”

“I’m just going to come over and let you suck me off. Problem solved.”

“I—okay.”

///

Nick keeps trying to check the messages, but Louis won’t let him until they’ve got each other off a few times. Louis is finally half asleep, sprawled across Nick’s bed, before Nick can manage to take a look at his phone.

“Check mine, too.” Louis mumbles from his spot on Nick’s pillow.

Nick sits up in the bed and looks over at Louis’ phone on the nightstand. “Ehm. Okay.” It’s not quite what he expected. Most of the messages are indeed from the band and their management team. The ones from the band are mostly just teasing things and a series of dirty knock knock jokes from Harry, but the ones from management are mostly just questions and requests for a meeting to decide on a plan of action for the “issue” that’s arisen. It makes Nick’s stomach knot up a bit at the thought that he is the “issue.” He glances at Louis and watches the steady rise of his chest for a few moments. His eyes are closed, long eyelashes fanned out across his cheek.

“Can hear you thinking again.”

Nick barks out a laugh. “Now seems like the time to do that, love.”

“Don’t know how. I’m proper fucked out right now. You been working out or summat?”

Nick smiles fondly at him. “Have to keep up with my young boyf—have to keep up with you, don’t I?”

He can feel the heat creep into his cheeks as Louis cracks open an eyelid at him. “So what do the messages say then? Don’t keep me in suspense.”

“Yes, you seem very concerned,” Nicks says, rolling his eyes. “Eh, it’s mostly just Harry asking if we’ve done it seventy-eight times yet or if you’ll have to change the name of the band. Well, that and your management wanting to talk.”

“Nothing from my mum, then?”

“No.”

“Okay, she knows not to believe the rumours anyway.”

Nick stills. “Is that what this is then? Rumours?”

Louis makes a rude noise from his side of the bed. “Don’t be daft. You just fucked me into your mattress. Was that just a rumour? My bum disagrees, mate. Just meant that I’m glad I don’t have my mum after me about it, is all.”

“Right.” Nick shifts in the bed a bit uneasily and clicks back through his phone to the original Instagram post and stares at the photographs. Then, he makes a mistake; he reads the comments. There are of course some nasty, awful ones, but there are also some supportive ones. The real thing that throws him is the word “Tomlinshaw”.  “Oh for fuck’s sake. They’ve named us!”

Louis’ eyes are still closed, but he asks, “Who is ‘they’?”

Nick waves his arms about impatiently. “The fans! And just—people, in general apparently. Oh my god, someone has actually got an Instagram account with it. Tomlinshawpie. How has this happened so quickly?”

Louis snuffles into the pillow. “Wouldn’t worry about it, mate.”

“I’d rather you don’t call me ‘mate’ after I’ve just fucked you.”

He hears Louis’ muffled laugh. “Noted.”

Louis has nearly an entire month to spend in London before he heads off on the North American leg of the tour, and while Nick hasn’t expected to spend all his time with him, he’s very glad when that is indeed what happens. They of course have work obligations of sorts. Nick obviously goes to work every morning and does his show, but he comes home to Louis in his flat or finds himself back at Louis’ flat as soon as possible. Louis has some occasional promotional obligations and has to go record with the band at times, but otherwise they spend much of their time in bed—or on the table or on the sofa or on a chair or against the door if they don’t make it very far into the flat. Nick adjusts himself at his desk just thinking about it.

They’ve been out with friends a few times now, and Nick tries to just follow Louis’ lead on how to behave around them. Everyone knows they’re—involved. Not that he confirms it or anything, but when his friends ask, he just grins. So, they know. But when they  _ are _ in public, it seems like Louis holds back a bit, so Nick does as well. He knows they should talk about it, define what’s going on between them. Fuck, he just really doesn’t want to though. It’s so good right now. He doesn’t want to rock the boat, but it’s just in the back of his mind that they aren’t very—careful about being seen together. There have been pics every time they’ve been out together in public. He tries not to read anything into it that Louis seems unbothered by the linking of their names. He wonders if Louis ever did talk to his team about them, but every time he goes to ask, he gets distracted. Louis is a very distracting person after all. Louis will just shake his bum a little, and then all his plans of talk go straight out the window. Christ. This is ridiculous. That’s it. When he gets back to Louis’, he’s at least going to bring up whether or not Louis has heard more from his team about it.

He walks into Louis’ flat using a key Louis gave him. It hits him for a brief moment that he actually has a key to Louis’ flat. Sure, it was given to him fairly casually, but still. That surely means  _ something _ . He’s definitely going to ask.

“Louis?”

“In the bedroom.”

Nick walks in to what looks like the aftermath of a tornado. Clothes strewn about the room, assorted toiletry items tossed on the duvet, and Louis wrestling a bag out of the wardrobe.

“What are you doing?”

“Just packing.”

Nick stiffens. “Oh. Okay. Um, where are you going?”

“Home to Donny for a few days. See my mum and the little ones before I leave on tour.”

“Right. Good. That’s good.”

Louis’ head whips up and blue eyes pin Nick in place.  “Aw, love. Are you gonna miss me or summat?”

Nick sniffs. “Maybe.”

Louis tiptoes over into Nick’s space and pouts his lips for a kiss, and then resumes his task. “I’ll only stay a few days anyway. And then I’ll come back here and you can tie me to your bed for a few days before I leave.”

“That—is an interesting mental image.” He chokes out.

Louis smirks at him as he stuffs random items into the bag. “Didn’t know you were into that. We’ll try it out when I get back. For now I probably only have time for blow jobs before I go, so get over here and get undressed.”

“Bossy.” Nick grins as he starts scrambling to get his clothes off.

“You know it. Maybe I’ll tie  _ you _ up when I get back.”

Nick makes a strangled moan as he drops to his knees in front of Louis.

All thoughts of talk disappear with the sight of Louis’ bare thighs before him. He pushes Louis back onto the bed, and his mind goes hazy. It doesn’t cross his mind again until Louis is gone.

///

Louis eyes an empty seat in first class next to Zayn and plops down into it. “Hey.”

“Hey.”

“You’re actually on time.”

Zayn gives him a small smile. “So are you.”

“Nick dropped me off. He insists on actually being on time to things. Imagine.”

“Imagine.” Zayn repeats. “My mum dropped me off, so she kicked my arse out of bed on time.”

“Nice.”

“Yeah.” Zayn sighs and glances out the window.

“You okay?”

“Sure. Just—already tired, I guess.”

“Uh, we just had a month off.”

“I know, I’m just like—burnt out, you know?”

“I mean—I guess—“

“This is a fucking never ending tour, Lou. And we’re recording all the time we’re not touring. Christ, we’re recording sometimes even when we are touring. And sometimes I just want to scream. Like Liam’s arguing about putting fucking cowbells on a song, and all I can think is that I just don’t fucking care.  I’m just fucking tired.”

Louis sits up straighter in his seat and looks at Zayn in alarm. “Shit. Okay. Didn’t realise it was getting so bad for you.”

“It’s not—it’s just—I don’t know.” Zayn rubs his eyes with the backs of his fingers. “So whatever about me, what about you and Nick?”

“What about us?”

“So you’re like, you know—together?”

“Well, not at the moment as I’m here on this aeroplane next to you.”

Zayn snorts. “Fuck off, you wanker. You know what I mean.”

“Yeah, well. I don’t really know. We haven’t talked about it much.” Louis admits.

“You serious? Been awhile to not have talked about it.”

“Has it?”

Zayn rolls his eyes. “I know you shagged him after the Wembley show. And that was what—early June? It’s mid-August, mate.”

Louis acknowledges the truth of this. “Fine. You’re probably right. Should have talked to him before I fucked off half way ‘round the world.”

“What’s management got to say about all this anyway?”

“Ehm. Been dodging their calls actually. Figured I already knew what they’d say anyway.”

“I’m surprised they haven’t tracked you down, if I’m honest.”

“Right? Can’t be that bad if they haven’t.”

“You really should talk to them probably, Lou. Maybe they’ll know how to handle the story.”

Louis shoots him a look.

“Oh don’t look at me like that. You know what I meant. Just you’ve let rumours run rampant now. If you guys are going to be together, you’re gonna need a plan. That’s all I’m saying.”

“Fine. I see your point. Should probably tell Nick first though.”


	8. I Will Possess Your Heart

_ How I wish you could see the potential _

_ The potential of you and me _

_ It’s like a book elegantly bound _

_ But in a language you can’t read _

_ Just yet _

          _“I Will Possess Your Heart” –Death Cab For Cutie_

***

North America

2 September

**(-28 weeks)**

***

Louis sits at his drum kit on a stage in Boston ready to start sound check with the sound engineer. Percussion first. It’s making him a little nervous that Zayn is nowhere to be seen. Bass is always second in the lineup for sound check. Liam and Niall are hanging out on stage with him, ready for their turn. He takes his time, but he knows as soon as Harry appears shit will hit the fan.

“Where’s Zayn?”

“Christ, H!” Louis startles, his drum stick flies off comically, and Niall cackles. “Why are you sneaking up on me? Jesus, took a few years off my life.”

Harry looks unamused. “I didn’t sneak up on you. You’re playing drums. It’s loud.”

“Right. Well, either way, scared me.”

“Where’s Zayn?” Harry repeats.

“Ehm. Off smoking up somewhere? Probably?” Louis goes to retrieve the drum stick. “I don’t know.”

Liam jumps up. “I’ll go find him.” He disappears before Harry can say more. Louis exchanges a glance with Niall before Harry begins.

“What the fuck is his problem? Skipping sound check now? He can hear the bloody drums from wherever the fuck he is. He knows he’s up next.”

Harry has a point. Louis stays silent and watches Niall bite his fingernails.

“Unless he’s too high to even do sound check.”

“I mean, I don’t even know if that’s what he—“

“And now Liam is off looking for him, and he should be next if Zayn isn’t ready.” Harry is pacing now, annoyed. “We’re wasting people’s time here.”

Zayn traipses out on stage with Liam walking behind him, a concerned look on his face. “I’m here. What am I late?” Zayn huffs out a laugh before picking up his bass.

Harry looks deeply unimpressed and opens his mouth to say something, but Louis chimes in before him. “Just getting done, mate, if you’re ready.”

“Born ready, Lou.”

“Right.”

“You’re late.” Harry finally says as though he can’t help but comment on it.

“Sounds like I was right on time,  _ Harry _ .” There’s a sneer in Zayn’s tone that shocks Louis a bit. Harry’s face turns to stone as he stalks off the stage. Louis exchanges a few worried looks with Liam, but they carry on with soundcheck and then the show. He’s glad to leave his bandmates behind afterwards and find a jetlagged Nick in his bed when he gets back to the hotel.

///

Louis doesn’t mention the shit that’s been going on with Zayn when Nick asks how he’s doing or how the tour is going. He’d just rather not let the tension of his work interfere with his time with Nick, which has become more and more important to him as time goes on, a reprieve of sorts. He doesn’t ask Nick to come see him, but Nick just does anyway. Boston, Colombus, Chicago, LA. Although he sometimes stretches it out to two weeks apart. The pace of the tour is relentless, and as Zayn’s unhappiness becomes more apparent, Louis begins to think they’ve made a mistake with the pace. They’d done it on purpose, really, so that they could schedule blocks of time off instead. They have a ten day break soon at the end of October in which they can all go home for a bit, and then they’ll be home for all of December. Of course, they’ll have a new album to promote then. He doesn’t mention that to Zayn who is obsessively counting down the days.

He also doesn’t really mention to anyone all the songs that keep writing themselves. Complete with lyrics. He honestly has no idea what he’s going to do with them. They don’t really seem like Seventy Eight songs. He looks at the one he’s working on curiously as though he doesn’t know where it came from. He looks around at the backstage dressing room. It’s not very inspiring. Maybe it came from where they’re at except he can’t even remember where they are at the moment. San Francisco?

There’s a brief knock at the door before Zayn opens it. “Whatcha doing, Lou?”

“Nothing.” Louis tosses the notebook he was writing in to the floor and realises too late how not subtle he’s being. “What are you opening the door for anyway? Could have been lounging about in my knickers and then what?”

Zayn snorts. “What in silk robes like Harry? Nah. At least knew you’d have clothes on. Maybe I should have waited a bit in case you were in here giving Grimshaw a blowie or summat.” Zayn has distracted him enough that he doesn’t notice in time that Zayn is close enough to quickly grab the notebook off the floor before Louis can lunge for it.

“So what have we here?” Zayn cackles as he holds it away from Louis’ reach.

“Hey, dickhead, give it back.”

Zayn glances at the open page briefly before handing it over. “What is that? A song?”

“I don’t know. Maybe.” Louis mumbles.

“Didn’t know you were writing stuff.”

Louis smooths the fringe of hair across his forehead. “Yeah, well. It might not really be anything. And I don’t even know what I’d do with them all anyway.”

Zayn stills. “So—is this stuff not for Seventy Eight then?”

“Ehm. No? I mean, I don’t think it really fits the sound of the band. So like I said, I don’t know what I’d even do with them. Maybe other artists would want them—“

“Maybe you should keep them for yourself.”

“What the fuck am I gonna do with them?”

“Well, just like, what if the band takes a break?” Zayn doesn’t look at him while he asks the question.

Louis can feel his pulse quicken. “Do you know something I don’t?”

“What? No. Just—we can’t keep going on like this! It’s too much. Touring, recording, publicity, repeat. I just think probably we should all be taking a break. So like maybe you could do something with these songs you’re writing. ”

“Z? Are you—leaving the band?”

“No!” Zayn says quickly, but Louis hears that split second of hesitation. His stomach turns a bit. “No, no. I’m not—leaving. I’m just burnt out and think I need a break. A real break.”

“Well, next week we’re off for a bit.”

“Yeah. Great. Ten whole days.”

“We’re off in December.” Louis reminds him.

Zayn sighs. “Yeah. I know. Anyway, let’s just stop talking about it. It’s making me anxious. So where’s your boy anyway?”

“Oh. Ehm. He didn’t come up this weekend.” Louis shrugs.

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah, I think so. I’ll be back in London in a week, so maybe he didn’t think it was worth coming this weekend.”

Zayn raises an eyebrow. Damn him for always seeing through things. “Lou. He’s been coming out almost every weekend. Honestly, I hope he doesn’t get sacked for how awful his show is on Monday mornings.”

“His show is awful on Mondays?”

“Lou. You do realise he lost his voice after that night in Chicago?”

“Oh. Well, yeah.”

Zayn looks at him incredulously. “Your boyfriend is a radio DJ, Lou. Didn’t you think that was going to be a problem for him?”

“He’s not really my b—God, did he get in trouble for that then? He never said anything.”

“Probably didn’t want to make you feel badly. But okay, don’t think I didn’t notice you almost saying boyfriend. Are you telling me you two  _ aren’t _ in a relationship?”

“Define ‘relationship.’” Louis’ fingers make air quotes as he smiles sheepishly.

“Christ. Even worse than I thought. You were going to talk to him! And then talk to management! What happened?”

“I don’t know. I just wasn’t sure that—“

“Lou. He’s mad for you. Don’t be a twat.”

 

/// London ///

 

“So, Louis. I’m glad you’ve finally come around to the idea of talking with us and helping to best determine your strategy.”

Louis already feels his skin crawling, and they haven’t even started. He’s seated at a table with six other people, some from his management and some from his label and one from their PR firm. He really should have talked to Nick first like Zayn said, or maybe Nick should even be here with him. He wonders briefly how anyone is supposed to know what to do in relationships. Clearly, he does not know.

“Yeah, well. Zayn said I probably should, so here I am.”

Everyone in the room shifts in their seats. Louis looks around at them and grows even more uncomfortable. It’s like he’s already said something wrong. Christ, he hates this. They usually leave him alone, only mess about with Harry’s personal life. He’s not even sure why so many of them are here.

He decides to barrel through this as quickly as possible, so he can get the fuck out of here. Why did he think having this meeting on his second day back in London was a good idea? “Well, not sure there’s much to talk about really. But like I guess I noticed people are sort of interested in it, so I don’t know if—“

Peter from their PR interrupts him. “There are hundreds of blogs on tumblr with Tomlinshaw as part of their URL, and even more than that on Twitter. Your relationship has trended three times in the UK.”

Louis stares at him open mouthed for a moment. “I—we’re not even--okay—“

“It’s part of my job to keep track of these things, Louis.”

“But I’m just the drummer, surely no one cares—“

Andrea from their management team interrupts this time. “Louis. Everyone cares. Seventy Eight is a phenomenon. While it may be true for other bands that people aren’t that interested in the drummer, the public is interested in every member of your band.”

“Okay, well then why has this never been an issue before?”

“You weren’t seeing anyone publicly before.”

“Oh. Right.” His toe taps against the leg of the chair. He’s trying not to completely flip out.

“Now, the good news is that I think we can put a stop to a lot of this speculation if you just follow some simple guidelines.” Peter says. “I really think we can spin this as more of a friendship, and I have some ideas for what Mr. Grimshaw can say publicly, seeing as how he has easy access to the public.”

Louis is speechless. This isn’t what he was here for, was he? He feels like he doesn’t know how this conversation has derailed.

“But that’s not why I’m—“

Andrea interrupts again. “I think we’ve gotten a little off track. Louis, we have some exciting things to talk about, which is why your label is here as well.” She motions at Rob and Joel sitting across from him.

Rob clears his throat and smiles. “Louis, we hear you’ve been writing.”

Louis’ face drains of colour. “What? Who told you—oh.” Fucking Zayn. What the fuck has he been talking to the label about him for?

Rob and Joel exchange glances before Rob continues. “We’d love to hear what you’ve got. Zayn implied you possibly have the beginnings of an album.”

“I—he—if—I don’t know—I—“ Louis stutters. He takes a deep breath. “I have a few songs. Well, maybe ten at this point, but I don’t have any plans for them. And Jesus, what are we even talking about here?” Louis can feel the panic rising in his throat.

Joel answers this time. “We’re just talking about you possibly having a solo record whilst Seventy Eight takes a bit of a hiatus.”

“A hiatus.” Louis is dumbfounded. A hiatus. Fucking Zayn. He’s going to kick Zayn’s arse as soon as he can get the fuck out of this room. “Does the rest of the band know about this hiatus or just Zayn? Fuck!”

Louis can’t stand to be seated any longer. He jumps up and starts pacing the room.

“Zayn has informed us that after the tour ends, he will be taking a hiatus. I suppose none of us know what that means for the band exactly, but we are of course interested in either helping you all move forward or work on other projects in the meantime.” Andrea states this all in a kinder tone, but Louis snorts in response. Please.

Louis mind races, and he’s not even sure what to say at this point. For some reason what comes out is, “You all don’t even know if I can sing. How am I gonna have a solo album?”

Joel looks at him knowingly. “You sing all the backup vocals, Louis. We’ve all heard you sing, but yes, obviously we’d like to actually hear how you’d sound on your own with your own songs before we sign you. There are other considerations as well, of course. You’re very handsome and charismatic. I’m thinking we could make something happen.”

“I feel like I don’t even know what the hell has happened. This isn’t why I called a meeting.”

“No, but speaking of your original intent for the meeting—“ Peter jumps in. “This is why we need to put a hold on speaking publicly about your relationship with Nick Grimshaw--whatever it may be.”

Louis’ stomach drops.

“I can see by the look on your face that this isn’t exactly what you wanted, Louis, but please just hear us out. All we are saying is that you should think about keeping your private life private, which is what you’ve always done for the most part anyway, so it’s not really much of a change. And if you’re asked about it, you can just choose to neither confirm nor deny the relationship. Obviously, we can’t stop you from telling the world about it, but if you announce publicly that you’re dating Nick Grimshaw, every headline will be about that. Every interviewer will want to talk about that. Not about your career. It’s just the way they work. We just think if we are going to start building you as a solo artist, it might not be the best move for your career at this point in time.”

Louis sinks back into the chair.

///

“Louis?” Nick calls out as Pig and Stinky greet him at the door. He doesn’t get a response, so he assumes Louis’ gone out. He notices Louis has left out some crisps on the counter, so he puts them away and puts the kettle on. As soon as it starts whistling, Nick hears someone bang the door shut. He looks up to see Louis standing in the doorway to the kitchen, watching him.

Nick smiles. “Hiya. Just about to make tea if you want any. I assume your tea senses were tingling as soon as you came home.”

The words slip out before Nick can stop them. He knows he’s struck an odd note calling his flat Louis’ home, and it’s written all over Louis’ face.

“Of course, I want tea.” He says it evenly, and Nick wonders if he imagined the look on Louis’ face.

Nick makes up two cups and brings them to the small table where Louis is already seated. Nick wants to ask where he’s been, but there’s an off feeling in the air, and he can’t decide if it’s appropriate to ask or not. But now that he thinks about it, that’s seriously annoying that he would even wonder about something like this with someone he’s been exclusively seeing for months. He watches Louis sip his tea, and he feels like an idiot for not bringing this conversation up sooner especially because this doesn’t even seem like a good time to do it.

“I can hear you thinking again.”

Nick huffs out a laugh. “Erm. Yeah. Was just thinking about going home to see my mum and dad this weekend.”

Louis’ face looks odd again, and he knows he didn’t imagine it the first time. “Oh. Okay. Well, that’s alright then.”

“Ehm, I don’t really want to—not see you those days though when you’re actually home for once.” Fuck if he hasn’t just accidentally called his flat Louis’ home again. “Was thinking maybe you could come with me.”

Louis stills. “You want me to meet your parents?”

“Yes? I mean, if you want to?” Nick cringes at the higher pitched tone of his voice.

“You’re making everything sound like a question.”

“Fine. Louis Tomlinson, I would like you to come meet my parents as they keep asking me to bring round the young man I’m seeing.”

“Okay.”

“Great.”

“You don’t sound like you think it’s great.”

“I’m a little nervous if you couldn’t tell.”

“Yeah, I could tell.” Louis laughs. “Well, um, maybe we could also spend a day in Donny, since we’ll be up north. See my mum and the little ones.”

“Yeah, okay. We could do that.” Nick can feel the heat rising in his cheeks. “Lou, have you told them about—us?”

“No.” Louis answers quietly, but he quickly adds, “But I will.  I can do it now if you want. I’m sure Lottie’s told my mum I’ve got a boyf—ehm, been seeing someone, and she’s probably googled it by now, but—“

“Were you going to call me your boyfriend?”

Louis flushes pink. “Yes? I guess?”

“Now, who’s talking in questions?” Nick says.

“It’s just that it’s a big deal, you know? I don’t really take people home to meet my family, but I guess if I am, you must be my boyfriend.”

“This must be the absolute worst way to ask someone to be your boyfriend by the way. Have you told  _ anyone _ about us?”

“Um. About that. I talked to my team today.”

Nick nearly chokes on his tea. “You did what? Christ, what did they say?”

Louis stiffens. “Should I not have told them anything? Do you not expect this to last?”

“Bloody hell, Louis. Where did that come from? I just asked you to come meet my parents! That’s like the opposite of what you’ve just implied.”

“Well, most things don’t last, Nick.”

“What the fuck. Is that what your team said? Because fucking great.” Nick stands up and puts his dishes in the sink with a loud clatter. He keeps his back to Louis. “Why are we even trying if you think this will all just end anyway?”

“I keep hoping you’ll convince me it’s all real. That it won’t end.”

Jesus, this boy. He turns back around. “I can’t convince you, Louis. All I can say is that I want to be with you. And I don’t want there to be a time when it ends.”

Louis stands up and strides forward until he’s wrapped Nick in a tight embrace. “I don’t want it to end either.” He says a bit muffled into Nick’s chest. “My team doesn’t think it’s a good idea to say anything publicly. Just so I can keep my private life private and all that. Is that like, okay with you?”

Nick pulls him tighter to his own body. “It’s—fine.”


	9. Love on the Brain

_ And I run for miles just to get a taste _

_ Must be love on the brain _

_ That’s got me feeling this way _

            _“Love On the Brain” - Rihanna_

 

***

North America

18 November

**(-17 weeks)**

***

The relentless pace of the tour puts them all on edge, but Zayn looks like he’s a few seconds away from taking his chances and leaping from their moving tour bus. It had taken Zayn an entire week once they were back on tour before he told them he was leaving after the tour was over. Louis had been seething that entire week, but once Zayn actually said the words out loud, he felt differently about it. Of course, he’d had prior warning, so maybe that’s why he hadn’t taken it as badly as the rest of the band.

Liam had got up and walked out of the meeting. Zayn had looked like he wanted to go after him, but he couldn’t really with Niall trying to pin him down on a return date, and Harry so pissed off that he’s shouting about how they’ll just replace him. Louis had just stayed silent for once. He’d thought that would be the worst of it. How naïve of him.

Whatever relief Zayn must have felt from telling them about his plans was quickly replaced with anger and frustration. A great combination for living with people within the tight quarters of a tour bus. And now he’s having some kind of altercation in the small kitchen area of the bus with Harry about being suspected of using all his wheat grass, which is how Louis knows Harry’s picking at him. In no universe is Zayn secretly making wheat grass smoothies with Harry’s wheat grass powder.

Louis sighs and knows he should intervene. “Zayn, can you come help me with something?” Louis calls out from his bed. Zayn appears a few moments later, clearly agitated.

“Yeah, what? What do you need, Lou?”

“Ehm, thought maybe you could take a look at a song for me.”

“Oh. Uh, yeah—sure.”

“Great.” Louis slides out of the bed and leads the way into the lounge area where they usually play video games. They have the room to themselves what with Harry pouting in the kitchen and Liam and Niall asleep in their bunks.

Zayn suddenly starts sniffing the air.

“What the fuck are you sniffling about? Feeling poorly?”

“No, but are you wearing aftershave?”

“Yeah. So what.” Louis shrugs.

“Well, I like it.”

“Okay.” Louis pauses. “Nick bought it for me, actually. Said I needed a signature scent or summat.”

Zayn grins at him.

“Just don’t.” Louis warns.

Zayn leans against the doorway. “I didn’t say anything!”

“Just keep it that way.” Louis says as he sits down on the sofa. He opens his notebook to a random page and then immediately claps it closed. Fuck. His songs are so personal really. While it seems like they come out of nowhere when he writes them, he knows that isn’t true. He looks up at Zayn, wide eyed. “Heh. Sorry. Um, haven’t really shown my songs to anyone. Got a little nervous.”

Zayn smiles in sympathy. “I’d love to hear them, Lou. Really. Any of them. All of them. Whatever you want to show me.”

“Okay. Right.” Louis opens the notebook again. He stares down at his words splashed across the page as he tries to explain to Zayn what he’s thinking. “It’s just that they’re about me. It’s a big thing, you know? Sitting in a room and talking about your feelings—your deepest—“ Louis trails off, unsure how he was going to end that sentence.

“Yeah, man. I get it.”

Louis clears his throat. “Well, this one is called ‘Miss You.’” He can feel his face begin to redden. “Well, just—here. You can read the lyrics yourself.” He hands over the notebook to Zayn, and he can barely stand to hand it over to someone else.

Zayn reads the page, a look of concentration on his face. He looks up when he’s finished, and Louis is surprised by the concern he sees there. “Lou, first of all, I love the lyrics. But are you and Nick—okay?”

“What?” Louis asks, confused.

“Show me, What a life this could be, What a promise you make now could mean, When the day comes that everything you see, Is without me.” Zayn reads the lyrics back to him, and yeah, Louis understands how he could come to the conclusion everything isn’t going swimmingly.

“Oh.” Louis rubs the back of his neck. “I see what you’re thinking. It’s just more of a song about being apart whilst I’m on tour. I know it’s me that goes away, but it feels like he’s the one who’s gone. If that makes sense. So that’s why the next part is ‘Cause I'm gonna miss you, I'm gonna miss you when you're gone.’”

Zayn looks at him. “Yeah, I see what you mean, but I think there’s more to it than that. Like these lines, ‘Show me, What a difference you make, What a word that you say now could mean, When it's over and it comes time for change,’ It just sounds like something more than that. Are you worried about what happens when you come home?”

Louis lays back on the sofa and closes his eyes. “Maybe. Or maybe I’m worried about it either way. It’s hard to be away from him on tour, but now that we’re really together it makes me scared that it’s all going to get taken away somehow.”

“How’s it going to get taken away?”

“I guess I mean that he’ll get tired of all this shit that comes along with being with me and want to leave.”

Zayn sits down next to him. “Lou—“

“No, Zayn. I know it’s not easy to be with me. For many reasons probably. But I’m trying my best to keep him away from all the shit, you know?”

“Yeah, I know.” Zayn sighs. “Well, we’ll all be home in a week. You can hide from the shit together.”

Louis hopes so. He really does.

 

/// London ///

 

Nick waits at the arrivals area of the airport nearly itching out of his own skin. It’s been three weeks since he’s seen Louis—the longest they’ve been apart since they started seeing each other. As he searches every face for the ridiculously beautiful one he’s looking for, it suddenly hits him how long it’s actually been. Months. Many months. Six months? God. They’ve been seeing each other for six months.

At what point will he start to feel—secure? His heart twists a bit at this realisation that he doesn’t feel secure. He tries to push these thoughts away. He’s going to see his boy again. It’s been a long three weeks of unsatisfying wanks and seeing Louis only via a screen. He doesn’t want to spend these first moments with him full of doubt.

He finally thinks to check the arrivals on the electronic board and sees that Louis’ plane is delayed. He sinks into a seat and tries to keep his mind off unwelcome thoughts. He plays a dumb game on his phone and sends Rita texts full of emojis that she has to try and guess what he means by. Sleeping face, aeroplane, broken heart. She gets it just from those emojis.

But none of this keeps Nick from eventually going over his uncertainties. He always was one to poke at his own bruises. On the one hand, they’ve met each other’s families and the band knows and their close friends know. That seems like a big deal. It  _ is _ a big deal. At least to Nick it is, who doesn’t keep a boyfriend past more than a few months, and he never brings them home to meet his mum and dad. He knows it was a big step for Louis as well.

On the other hand, Nick has signed an NDA, and he’s agreed not to talk about Louis on the radio except within the context of the band. Although he  _ is _ apparently allowed to talk about his “boyfriend” just not who his boyfriend is. It makes Nick who has never said a boyfriend’s name on the air want to be contrary and immediately go say it live on Radio 1. When they’re in public, he can’t hold Louis’ hand, and they’re supposed to keep their public outings as discreet as possible. And quite frankly, that’s bollocks. But what bothers him the most is Louis’ notebook. He carries it with him wherever he goes. He’s heard Louis sing snippets of unfamiliar lyrics as he scribbles in it. He’s heard Louis play unfamiliar melodies on his guitar as he stands outside Louis’ hotel rooms just before he knocks to be let in. And the thing is: they don’t sound like Seventy Eight songs. Nick obviously prides himself on his music knowledge, and he knows flat out that these songs aren’t intended for Seventy Eight. He waits for an explanation that never comes, and this insecurity keeps him from asking about the songs.

He stands and stretches a bit and checks the board again. Louis’ aeroplane has landed apparently. Nick hustles back into position, scanning the latest round of passengers. And there he is. He looks tired and soft and so beautiful it hurts. Nick’s brain can think of nothing but getting to Louis as quickly as possible. When Louis sees him coming, he smiles so hard at Nick that the corners of his eyes crinkle in a way that makes Nick want to do whatever is in his power to keep that look on his face. Just as he reaches Louis, his brain catches up just in time to keep from sweeping Louis into his arms and snogging him senseless. Instead, they barrel into each other’s arms forcefully. Nick tries to make the embrace look friendly, but he’s sure he isn’t succeeding. Louis’ face is pressed to his chest, and he has his own face buried in Louis’ soft hair. And even though he has a lot more questions than answers about this relationship, there is no place in the world he’d rather be than anywhere with Louis.

///

Louis may be on a break from touring, but it doesn’t necessarily seem like as much of a break from work as Nick had hoped. The new album releases to a hugely positive response from both critics and fans, and Nick gets a secret thrill from getting to talk about Louis on air. He tries to keep it tamped down a bit because whenever he goes a bit overboard, the Tomlinshaw rumours ramp up again. They really start up again after Seventy Eight appears on The Breakfast Show, and he and Louis had a bit of trouble keeping their banter to a minimum. It was worth it though because Louis had said he found it sexy to see Nick at work and sucked him off in the loo before Nick headed off to his afternoon meetings.

Louis never says anything about the rumours, but Harry offhandedly mentions once that Louis has had to meet with management again about them. Nick starts keeping a bit more track of it all after that. He mostly checks tumblr. Twitter is a whole other beast that he doesn’t care to deal with at the moment. There are a few blogs that seem nice and supportive. He’s found the blog from the Instagram account from when the rumours first began—tomlinshawpie. He quite likes her. She posts only his most flattering photographs. He’s surprised sometimes by what he finds there on tumblr—third and fourth hand accounts of having seen them somewhere together (some are true and some aren’t), photographs he didn’t know were being taken, audio clips of every time Nick has said Louis’ name on air.

While it bothers him that Louis doesn’t tell him when he’s gone to talk to his management team about their relationship, it almost makes Nick feel more uneasy that Louis never shares the work part of his life with him. It seems like it  _ should _ be a thing they talk about. Music is something their lives have in common after all. Nick tells his funny work stories about what Tina’s done now or what meeting he’s had to sit through with Fiona or what celebrity acted like an arsehole live on air. Louis laughs along or offers support when he needs it, and Nick can be a bit needy at times, so it’s nice to have someone to tell these things to. Not that he didn’t have friends he could talk to before Louis, but his friends don’t have fantastic bums and like to take his mind off his problems by bending over the dining room table.

Just when Nick was starting to get used to waking up with Louis in his bed again, Louis has to fly to Los Angeles for a few days for a performance on the American Music Awards. And yet again, he’s forced to watch his boyfriend be fucking amazing in front of the world by watching through a bloody screen at half two in the morning. He doesn’t really mind. At least not that much. It just makes him a bit wistful sometimes to watch Louis walk a red carpet in a designer suit and wish he could be there by his side, but it feels like a topic to not bring up. They haven’t been together that long, he assures himself, but he wonders how long is long enough. Maybe when they feel more secure things will be different. Maybe he’ll feel more secure when Louis is physically present for more than a few weeks at a time. Of course, who knows when that might be? Louis will be back on tour soon, and Nick’s heart sinks a bit at the thought. It’s so much harder to be secretive when he’s trying to fly all over the world for a bit of time with his boyfriend.

Something keeps pricking at the back of Nick’s mind, and he tries to just ignore it. He takes the dogs for a walk and watches some rubbish telly and tries to keep his mind on Gogglebox. It doesn’t work. He makes tea. He eats the few crisps Louis left in the bottom of the bag. He hoovers the flat. He gets out a box of Christmas decorations from the back of a closet and sets it in the living room. Nothing works. He sits on the floor beside a box of glass ornaments and admits, if only to himself, that he’s in love with Louis. He’s never been in love before, but this ache that sits in his chest when Louis is gone is something new and frightening. He’s in love with Louis, and he’s terrified.

Louis comes home, and Nick tries to ignore the stupid thought of telling Louis he’s in love with him. Instead, he just finds himself being more possessive in the bedroom. Louis sports the tell-tale signs of it all over his neck and body. He’s hearing no complaints about it though.

A week later Louis leaves again for the Aria awards. He’s only gone one night, making it quickly back to Nick’s, which he’s very happy about as it means he didn’t have to miss him for long. It’s after this that Nick thinks to check tumblr again. He sees some infighting amongst the blogs about why he isn’t with Louis at awards shows, but it seems the bloggers are certain Nick will be at the BBC Awards. They seem to be very sure that they’ll get a Tomlinshaw moment, but when the BBC Music Awards roll around, he actually has to work at the event, and only briefly sees Louis as Seventy Eight accepts an award.

Nick watches Louis cross the stage, and his heart gives a lurch. Jesus, he looks handsome. Nick had had to leave to work the awards before Louis even got out of bed. Louis’ hair is swept off his forehead, a hint of stubble across his jaw. He’s wearing all black, his tight jeans molded to his legs and a perfectly fitted black suit jacket. That’s when Nick notices the high collar on the black shirt beneath the jacket. It’s nearly a turtleneck. Oh god. Nick knows why. He’s glad no one is looking at him because he can feel his face burn red. Why had neither of them thought about the fact that Louis couldn’t be seen out publicly with giant love bites all over his neck? God, all he can think about now is taking Louis home and spreading him out on their bed and marking him up even more.

There are parties to attend, and he knows Louis will be out late with the band. Their exploits will make for good tabloid fodder, he’s sure. Nick stays for a bit at one party before heading home. He’s got a show to do tomorrow morning after all.  He texts Louis on his way just to let him know where he’ll be and walks in the door exhausted. He pats the dogs and pulls on new pants and his favourite Britney t-shirt, and he’s brushing his teeth when he hears the door slam open and shut. He walks out into the hallway curiously, surprised that Louis is back here so early.

Louis is already striding down the hallway towards him, blue fire burning in his eyes. Before Nick knows what’s happening, Louis is backing him into the bedroom until the back of his knees hit the edge of the bed. Louis topples him onto it, climbing over him to straddle his legs. He rips off his own suit jacket and throws it to the side before he’s drawing Nick’s shirt up his body, pressing his lips to the skin revealed as he goes.

“Fuck, do you know how fucking fit you looked tonight?” Louis growls into his ear as he takes an earlobe between his teeth.

Nick moans. “What?”

“That fucking leather jacket. God, you looked fit in that.”

“So the leather jacket does it for you, huh? Duly noted.” Nick is sliding his hands beneath Louis’ shirt and caressing his lower back.

Louis quickly sits up to remove his own shirt and throws it into a pile with his suit jacket near the end of the bed. Nick admires the various colours of the marks he’s left behind on Louis with a wide smile.

“Proud of yourself, are you? That I had to wear a bloody turtleneck all night?”

Nick nods with an eager smile.

“Well, maybe I should mark what’s mine as well then.” He attaches his lips to Nick’s neck as Nick gasps his name. Nick’s toes curl as Louis sucks and nips and soothes the skin he finds, and then Louis is tugging his pants down his legs. Nick props himself back up to watch Louis as he stands up to wiggle his tight jeans off his body. “Want you to be mine.”

Nick’s dick gets even harder at that statement, leaking against his stomach, as Louis moves back between his legs. He pushes Nick’s knees up as he nips along his inner thigh.

“Please, please, please.” Nick begs. He’s not even sure what he’s asking for. Just something, anything.

Louis hesitates for a moment before lightly drifting his fingers over Nick’s arse.

“Yes, Louis! Please!” He calls out, writhing a bit on the bed as he feels Louis quickly fumble to find the lube and slick up his fingers. Nick feels the first cold touch of Louis finger inside him, and he nearly cries at how much he wants it. “Bloody hell, Lou. Please, more, please.”

He’s been reduced to begging for it. Fuck it. He doesn’t even care as long as Louis doesn’t stop. Louis adds a second finger as Nick cries out again. Louis’ fingers slide in and out, as Louis tells him how good he looks like this. How much he wants him. How Nick belongs to him. And suddenly his fingers are gone, and Nick whimpers pressing down only to find air. He hadn’t even realised his eyes were closed until he opens them to see Louis slide a condom onto himself, and the look on Louis’ face is one he hasn’t seen before. It’s one of possession and intent, and Nick nearly comes just from that. And then Louis is pushing inside him and stars spark at the edges of his vision. Louis pushes his legs up even further until he can fuck up into him whilst Louis kisses him frantically. Nick’s hands grip at Louis’ arse as if to make sure to keep him close as his dick is pressed between them. Louis wrenches his lips away only to suck and nip at Nick’s jaw and neck.

“You’re mine.” Louis growls against his collarbone and that’s what sends Nick over the edge, coming into the small space between them with Louis’ name on his lips.

“Fuck. Nick. Jesus.” Louis keeps up his frantic pace for a few more thrusts before he’s coming into him, and Nick knows nothing has ever been like this before. Tears prick behind his eyes, so he closes them so Louis can’t see.

Louis slowly pulls out and collapses beside him. They turn to each other for a few tired kisses before Nick goes to get a flannel to wipe them both up a bit. Louis is half asleep as Nick cleans them up. He tosses the flannel into a basket of laundry and comes back out to stare at the man in his bed. Louis’ long eyelashes fan out across his cheeks, his toned body on display. But it’s not just physical attraction that fills Nick’s chest right now. An overwhelming feeling of affection threatens to drown out nearly everything else. Louis is asleep, but Nick feels like he’s just had ten espressos for how awake he feels. He lies down next to Louis and tucks the duvet up around them both. He tries to will himself to sleep for a while, but sleep eludes him.

He reaches for his phone set in the charger and begins to scroll through Instagram. He looks at photos and videos of the awards and the parties and looks for his friends in all the pictures. He’s not sure why he decides to look at tumblr. Maybe to see if the Tomlinshaw shippers were a bit disappointed that they didn’t get their moment. He doesn’t expect to see the place set aflame.

Fuck. He hates how he has to see all the reactions before he can actually see what the fuck is going on. His heart begins to pound when he sees tomlinshawpie’s reactions.

_I know it doesn’t sound great, but let’s keep in mind that they’ve yet to confirm anything and they’ve clearly committed to keep things private between them. I know some of you are so very disappointed and I get that. I am too. I was hoping for a declaration, not a denial. But that doesn’t mean that there’s nothing there. I don’t believe that at all. And really his words could be interpreted different ways. Maybe there’s nothing to clear up because he’s saying the rumours are true._

Now, Nick is frantically scrolling down until he sees the attached video clip. He rockets out of bed and is down the hall and into the living room before he even knows what he’s doing.

The clip begins with the interviewer’s voice as a microphone is aimed at Harry’s face. “So what is the relationship status for each of you? Haven’t seen you with anyone for a while, Harry.”

“No, am single at the moment. Not that I’d tell you lot if I wasn’t.” Harry grins.

“Zayn?”

Zayn looks a bit caught in the headlights. He glances at Louis before he says, “Single, me. All of us are, I think.”

“Really, Louis, you as well? There have been some interesting rumours. Care to clear them up?”

The microphone is thrust in Louis’ face. He looks straight into the camera and says, “Nope. Nothing to clear up.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song credit: "Miss You" -James Hersey


	10. Love Will Tear Us Apart

_ And resentment rides high, _

_ But emotions won't grow, _

_ And we're changing our ways, _

_ Taking different roads. _

_ Then love, love will tear us apart again. _

_“Love Will Tear Us Apart” –Joy Division_

_ *** _

London

20 January

**(-8 weeks)**

***

December flashes by Louis in a blur of album promo and award ceremonies and performances and as much Nick as he can fit in. He barely leaves Nick’s flat only going back to his own for new clothes once in awhile. Otherwise, Nick just washes them at his anyway. The end of the month, of course, had been reserved for Christmas and his birthday. He has a low key party at Niall’s the day before his actual birthday as everyone of course has plans on Christmas Eve. The band, Nick, a few friends. It’s nice really. Nothing like the usual bash Niall throws for him, but he’d asked for something different this year. And he’s suddenly reminded of Harry’s last birthday, a low key evening with just a few friends and family.

When they got home that night to Nick’s flat, he’d mentioned to Nick that Harry’s birthday was the night he’d decided he was going to probably suck him off the next time they met. Nick’s response had been to carry him into the bedroom and fuck him into oblivion all whilst telling him what a little shit he’d been that night and that all he’d wanted was to get him alone to either ask him out on a date or snog his face off.

Christmas had been less awkward than he expected. Obviously, they’d met before, but his family seemed to treat Nick as someone they knew well, which made sense in a way; they were used to listening to him talk every morning on the radio. Nick’s family seemed more guarded with him than the last time they’d met, but still friendly and kind. He turned the charm up a bit, and he liked the way Nick looked at him every time he made his mum laugh or talked footie with his dad.

January had a few days of album promo and a television special to film but had many more days off that Louis spent sleeping in Nick’s bed and waking up late, writing songs that his label is still waiting to hear, and waiting for Nick to get home from work. He selfishly keeps Nick to himself, staying in much more than Nick probably has in his entire life up to this point. Nick never complains though, never says a word about his friends that he knows text him invites daily.

But then suddenly, the time is up, and he’s kissing Nick good-bye without knowing when he’ll see him next. Not like Nick can just fly to Indonesia or Japan at a moment’s notice. The first stops of this leg of the tour are in Australia, and he tries to console himself that he loves it there. He and Liam will go surfing. He and Niall will go find some kangaroos or summat. And he’ll try to keep Zayn and Harry from killing each other.

///

It’s bloody hot as hell in the middle of an Australian summer. Sweat drips down his back, pooling between his wetsuit and his skin, as he and Liam walk across the sand with their surfboards. He’d sent a selfie of himself in the wetsuit to Nick, but he knows Nick won’t see it for a few hours yet. The time difference is such a pain in the arse.

He and Liam paddle out to catch a few waves, but they’re out of practice and end up sitting on the beach, catching their breath.

“You thought about what you’re gonna do after tour?”

Louis shades his eyes and turns to look at Liam. “Not exactly.”

“Weird, innit? Not having everything planned out for you.”

“Well, we’re not really free until—what—May?”

Liam looks back out at the water. “Yeah, think I might take some time off to, you know, have a life.”

“What? This ain’t the life, Li?” Louis says with a grin as he motions at their surroundings.

Liam looks back at him more seriously than he expects. “No, it isn’t, Lou. You know it isn’t. Life is more than being on stage and being in a different city every night. I’d like to have time to have more than a first date before I have to fly off to the other side of the world. Maybe be home for my mum’s birthday or something.”

Louis doesn’t say anything. They just sit in silence as they look out at the waves.

Liam sighs loudly. “I feel a little guilty about thinking this way, but fuck it. I’m actually glad Zayn is leaving—“ Louis sends him a sharp look before Liam puts up a hand. “No, no. Not like that. I hope he’ll eventually want to come back, but I’m glad he’s forcing us to take a break. Because I didn’t have the guts to do it. But for fuck’s sake, Lou, we need a bloody break.”

Louis nods and claps Liam on the shoulder. “I know it. I know we do. I don’t have real plans for the break, but I—well, I’ve been writing some stuff.” Louis feels his face redden, and it’s not because of the heat.

“Lou! Really? That’s great, mate!” Liam pauses. “Wait. Are we talking music or like novels?”

Louis barks out a laugh. “Music, Li. Not fucking writing novels.”

Liam laughs. “Well, I don’t bloody know. I didn’t know Zayn was that unhappy thought maybe I’d missed that you were writing murder mysteries.”

Louis lies back in the sand, laughing. “Murder mysteries? If Zayn ends up murdered, it won’t be much of a mystery who did it.”

Liam rubs his jaw. “Yeah, maybe I’ll tell that to Harry. Tell him to ease up just in case Zayn goes missing or something. He’ll be the prime suspect otherwise.” Liam pauses for a moment. “So what’s Nick think of the hiatus? Be happy to have you home, I reckon.”

“He doesn’t know about it, now does he?”

“What do you mean, he doesn’t know? You haven’t told Nick?”

He shoots Liam a sharp look. “No, I haven’t told him! It’s supposed to be a bloody secret innit!”

“Well, yeah, but Lou—he’s your boyfriend. Don’t you think you should tell him? Let him have a light at the end of the tunnel of this tour and whatnot?”

“I keep Nick separate from everything.”

“What the hell does that mean?”

“It means, I don’t talk about work bullshit with Nick. I don’t want him to be mixed up in all this.”

“Lou, I know I’m not an expert by any means, but I’m pretty sure that’s called being in a relationship, you know, sharing your life with someone. The good and the bad.”

“Well, this part has been pretty fucking bad lately, Liam. I think I’d rather just have one damn part of my life free of it.”

Liam holds his hands up in surrender. “Okay, Lou. I’m sure you know what you’re doing. It’s just that you guys aren’t exactly public, so I hope you’re talking a lot—about everything. Seems like it would be hard to take otherwise.”

Louis throws a handful of sand at Liam before making a run for the water. Liam lets out a yelp and chases after him.

///

Louis life feels a bit like it’s coming apart at the seams. They go from city to city and hotel room to hotel room across Asia, and he can’t seem to get a decent night of rest. He’s never wished for their tour bus so much in his life. God, it would be much better to sleep in a familiar bed for once. Zayn and Harry can barely stand to be in the same room together much less share a stage. And he’s finding it so hard to even find a window of time to Skype with Nick. He manages to get up early a few days, and Nick stays up late a handful of days to talk. But otherwise, they’ve been reduced to sending long voice messages on WhatsApp or texting and waiting for the other to wake up and get it. And not that sex is all that they have between them, but sex through a screen just isn’t the same obviously.

He feels disconnected from Nick, and he doesn’t like that feeling at all. He keeps telling himself it’s just a few more months. He tries to let that be enough. He wishes they could just fucking announce the hiatus already. Then Nick would know there was only a few more months, too. Sometimes, he thinks about just telling him like Liam said to do that day on the beach, but Nick’s already keeping secrets for him. He doesn’t want to burden him with yet another one, and then surely there would be questions about what’s next and those are all secrets, too.

He lays down on his anonymous hotel bed and wonders when the hell he acquired this many secrets. Sometimes, Nick looks at him a certain way as though he’s—disappointed. Like he knows something else is going on. Louis stares at the ceiling and wonders how much Nick suspects already.

Eventually, Zayn comes for him. He looks to Louis like someone ready to ignite at any moment. He paces Louis’ room as Louis quickly changes into some decent clothes for a club. Maybe it will be fun to blow off a little steam with Zayn. Zayn clearly needs to get rid of some of that pent up energy. Jesus. Now he knows what it must be like to be around him before a big show. Zayn practically drags him out of the room as soon as his feet slide into his Vans.

That’s the first time it happens.

///

The first time Louis forgets to meet him for their Skype date. Nick chalks it up to their very opposite schedules. It’s just less than fun to then see photos of your boyfriend out clubbing all over tumblr when he should have been talking to you. And it certainly doesn’t help to see all the pressed anons tomlinshawpie seems to be getting about it. She rebuffs all their worries. Nick wonders if he should possibly not be taking solace in that, seeing how she has no insider information. Although Nick sometimes wonders if  _ he _ even has inside information.

They have a few minutes to talk the next day before Nick goes on the air, and Nick doesn’t mention it. He feels like it’s not worth bringing up when they only have a few minutes, but he spends the rest of the day thinking about it. He wishes he’d just brought it up now. When he leaves after his afternoon meeting, he checks the time and sees Louis is probably getting ready to go on stage soon. He’s already used to adding the correct number of hours to check Louis’ time. Not that it matters at all, but Louis doesn’t seem to bother to ever figure out London time wherever he is. Nick has to give Louis his local time to Skype otherwise Louis seems not to realise what time to call. 

The second time it happens is on Valentine’s Day, which if it isn’t shit enough that Nick actually has a boyfriend for once on this bloody holiday from hell, but his boyfriend is on the other fucking side of the world at the moment. Nick wakes up the next day to a barrage of voicemails. At least Louis knows he’s fucked up this time. With a sigh Nick listens to each one of them dutifully. He’d fallen asleep, he’s so sorry, he’ll make it up to him somehow, he will make it up to him soon. Nick sighs and texts him that he’d better. He softens it a bit with a few emojis—a sad face, a heart, and an aubergine. He wonders if Louis will make a sexual connotation with that last one. Not that he’d mind. He’s been sadly having a much more intimate relationship with his hand lately.

The only problem is that tumblr is telling him Louis was out at a club with Zayn again. Their shippers are in an uproar about Louis out clubbing on Valentine’s Day. Nick quickly clicks out of there. Fuck. None of those voicemails said a damn thing about that being the reason why he’d missed their date. Nick can feel the hurt of it pricking needles at him.

This time he does bring it up. Last time just festered, and Nick might not be good at shit like this, but he’s pretty sure this isn’t something to sweep under the rug. Louis immediately swears it was just one drink and then he’d gone back to the hotel. Nick does remember from his brief foray onto tumblr that it had just been the one fan pic that had been circulating around. So maybe that’s true.

Louis hesitates. “You believe me, don’t you?”

“’Course.” Nick answers.

The third time it happens, Nick has already started to hear the rumblings about Zayn. Tabloid coverage of Seventy-Eight has begun to revolve around a supposed rift between Zayn and Harry.  Nick waits for Louis to say something about it, but he never does. This time when Louis forgets to Skype, there are no photos of him in a club all over tumblr. So at least he wasn’t doing that this time. Somehow that doesn’t make him feel any better.

///

Pixie talks him into a party. And really, Nick’s always been one for a party.

“Thanks for swinging round to pick me up, darling.” Pixie says as she climbs into the backseat with him. “I feel like you’ve kept to yourself too much lately.”

“Yeah maybe. I just—“ He doesn’t have a good answer, is the thing. He spends way too much of his life trying to schedule in a few minutes with Louis. He feels like he can’t be anywhere just in case he gets a chance for a few fucking minutes.

Pixie is looking at him, concerned. “Babe, you never finished your sentence.”

Fuck. He feels emotion swirling in his chest, and he desperately tries to tamp it down. He’s going to a party. Not gonna cry like a fool.

“Hey, hey.” She instantly slides across to grab him in a tight hug. “What’s going on? You can tell me, you know?”

“I’m fine.” He mumbles into her hair.

“Don’t be an idiot all your life. I know something’s wrong.” She releases him from the hug only to stare directly into his face. No hiding from this one. “Is it your boy, then? Hard with him away so much, I’m sure.”

“Yeah.” So far he’s managed to keep the tears in check, but they’re threatening to spill at any minute. “He’s just—I’m just—“

“We can go back to yours instead. Watch some awful telly and drink a bottle of wine and eat whatever rubbish you’ve got lying about.”

“No, no.” Nick insists. “We’re going to a party. I’m fine.”

“Whenever people say they’re fine, it’s like a flashing siren that they’re not fine at all.”

“Okay, I’m not fine, but we are still going to this party. And I’m going to act like I’m fine, and we’re going to have a bleeding good time.” He plasters a fake smile on his face as they pull up to the address. Nick’s not even sure where they are.

Pixie answers his unasked question. “We’re at a friend of Henry’s. She’s throwing her brother a birthday party at his flat.”

“I’m crashing someone’s birthday party? Lovely.”

“Don’t worry. I’ve brought a gift.” Pixie flashes him a smile as she holds up a bottle of champagne.

///

The party is actually all right. The friend of Henry’s throwing the party turns out to be one of the models who walked in his last show. And her brother looks terribly familiar, although Nick’s had quite a few glasses of champagne. Everyone looks familiar now. He thinks he sees Alexa across the room, so he starts making his way over to her. He gets stopped a few times by acquaintances and friends, and he nearly makes it before he runs smack into the guest of honour.

“Sorry about that, mate.” Nick smiles. “Bit tipsy, me. Hey now, you’re the birthday boy! Happy days!”

“Thank you very much, Nick Grimshaw.”

“Ah. Knew you looked familiar. Sorry, but I can’t seem to place you. How do we know each other? Please say it isn’t because—you know—“

He laughs. “No, no. I just know who you are because you’re quite famous Nicholas Grimshaw.” When Nick tries to wave off the notion, he just continues. “Don’t pretend you’re not. Millions of people tune in every weekday morning just to hear your voice.”

“I like to think they tune in because of my handsome face.”

“You’re in radio, Nick.”

“Ah, right, right. So you still look dead familiar though. Don’t know for what? You from Oldham by chance?”

“I actually get that a lot. I’m an actor. Done a few Joe Wright movies. No huge roles yet though. People always think they know me from somewhere.” He laughs, and Nick realises how handsome the man is. “Anyway, I’m Jonathan. Although you probably knew that if you’re crashing my birthday party.”

Nick would probably have been quite chagrined, and he still was a bit. He laughs it off with Jonathan, but his mind has begun to whir despite the alcohol. He didn’t even realise how handsome this man was. He looks at Jonathan again and wants to laugh hysterically at how good looking this person is. He’s so bloody in love with Louis Tomlinson that he doesn’t even notice breathtakingly handsome men anymore. Jesus. Suddenly, all he wants is to hear Louis’ voice, the gravelly sound it makes when he’s tired and it’s late. God, he misses him so much. It fucking hurts to miss someone who’s supposed to be yours. He knows things aren’t going right, and he feels decidedly off balance all of the time and not just when he’s drinking champagne. And he doesn’t know if it’s the physical distance between them or something else, something more.

Jonathan is saying something, but Nick can hardly listen. He could laugh at himself for thinking it’s just the distance that’s come between them. Louis keeps things from him, important things, and fuck if he isn’t as bad to just ignore it and pretend everything is fine. He doesn’t know what’s going on when the tour is over, he doesn’t know what’s happening with Zayn, their relationship is a secret to the public, Louis appears to be writing songs that he won’t explain or tell him who or what they’re for. Nick feels the weight of each one of these begin to push against his chest.

He excuses himself from talking to Jonathan to have a smoke on the balcony. He shivers in the damp cold of a March night. He’s not sure how things have become so broken between them, but he can’t let this go without fighting for it. He’s terrified to be this in love with a boy who may not love him back in the same way. Surely, Louis has strong feelings for him. He must. But how deep are the feelings if he’s keeping so many secrets? Is this about trust?

He suddenly feels thin arms wrap around his waist from behind, a warm body pressed against him in a comfortable embrace. “Want to go?”

Nick turns Pixie in his arms to give her a tight hug, his head resting atop hers. He sighs deeply. “Maybe.”

“Saw you talking to Jon. He looked very happy to be talking to you.”

“Who?”

Pixie laughs against him. “Jon. Jonathan. The very handsome man’s birthday party you are currently at.”

“Ohhh. Jonathan. Yes. Nice person.”

“You’ve got it so bad, my friend.”

Nick doesn’t even pretend to not know what she’s talking about. “I know.”

///

As soon as Nick’s show is over on Monday, he heads in to see when he can next have a few days off. An hour later he has a plane ticket to Singapore.


	11. Million Reasons

_ Lord, show me the way _

_ To cut through all his worn out leather _

_ I've got a hundred million reasons to walk away _

_ But baby, I just need one good one to stay _

_“Million Reasons” –Lady Gaga_

***

Singapore

11 March

**(-1 week)**

***

It takes him days to tell Louis he’s coming to Singapore. He is filled with both dread and excitement at the thought of telling him. Every other time since the very beginning, his text to say he was coming to see him has always been met with something that made him feel more confident in what they have. This time he sends it and then holds his breath waiting for a response. When Louis texts back how happy he is that Nick is coming, he nearly cries in relief. He tries not to think about what his own response means.

The nearly fourteen hour aeroplane ride to Singapore is brutal. Far too much time to be alone with one’s thoughts. Definitely too long for Nick. He’s nervous as hell for one thing because everything feels so different this time somehow. He usually feels the anticipation of going to see Louis as though his chest is inflating with desire and longing, and now he feels it as a heavy weight in his gut. He hasn’t seen Louis in months, and the quick happy reply to his text did not soothe his fears enough. This ship that has carried him far out to sea has now left him unbalanced and struggling to keep himself upright. He repositions himself in the seat over and over again trying to gain some comfort. The movie holds no interest. He can’t concentrate. He settles for listening to music and trying to block out all his unwanted thoughts.

There’s a car waiting for him when he gets off the aeroplane. Just as there always is. He tries to find comfort in it, but this isn’t enough to relieve his mind either. He wants to tear his hair out at the thoughts he can’t push away. He’s going to see Louis. He should be gloriously happy. He tries to feel it. Surely, when he sees him, it will be enough. It has to be.

By the time they pull up to the hotel, Nick’s nerves are a live wire. Someone comes out to take his bags, and he gives his name to the concierge, which is enough to have him whisked up to some keyed entry level of the hotel. He knocks at the door instead of using the key. As he waits for a response, he wonders why. Is it because the bell boy is with him? In case Louis is in a state of undress? Wouldn’t be the first time Nick’s walked in on him looking obscene. It’s been a long time since that’s happened. It’s taking a long time to answer the door. If the bell boy weren’t here, he’d lean his head against it.

Suddenly, the door is wrenched open to the sight of a slightly rumpled boy in joggers and a t-shirt that Nick is fairly sure is his. His hair is askew and his eyes still a little heavy as though he’s just woken up. His tired face lights up a bit at the sight of Nick at his door. Louis holds the door open as Nick and the bell boy walk inside the beautifully posh hotel suite that is already littered with Louis’ belongings. Nick stands awkwardly as the bell boy deposits the suitcase and bag and Louis hands him a tip. The door clicks behind him, leaving them to the silence of the room.

They stand frozen, facing each other, until Nick’s hesitant voice croaks out, “Louis?”

And then Louis is in his arms, nearly knocking him off his feet with the force of it. Louis is tearing at his clothes at the same time as he is trying to slip his hand beneath the fabric of Louis’ shirt. He rips off the shirt that Louis seems most concerned with getting off of him.  Louis peppers the skin of his neck and chest with forceful kisses and nips of his teeth. Nick’s hands have found themselves inside Louis’ joggers, cupping his arse with both hands and pulling him roughly against him. They frantically grind against each other for a few moments before Nick has dropped to his knees and yanked Louis’ joggers to his ankles. He caresses Louis legs as he smells Louis’ arousal and breathes harshly against it.

“Fuck,” Louis moans as his fingers slide into his hair. It’s been so long since he’s had Louis’ dick in his mouth that he isn’t ready when Louis’ fingers tug harder than he expects and he jolts forward a bit, knocking into Louis’ legs. It sends Louis toppling to the floor, his joggers still around his ankles. Louis starts to laugh, but it’s short lived because Nick has crawled back over him. He slides Louis’ cock into his mouth as Louis’ laughter chokes off with a grunt.

They’re both frantic now as Louis’ hips snap up, and Nick can’t seem to get enough. His eyes tear up a bit, and he tries not to think about if it’s just the physical response to this or something else. Suddenly, Louis is pulling Nick off of him.

“No. Don’t want to come like this. Want you to fuck me.” Louis scrambles to his feet, pulling Nick up and dragging him towards the bedroom. “Want you to fuck me on this bed first so I can see your face when you come.”

Nick stifles a moan as Louis pushes him onto the bed and climbs on top of him.

Louis noses along Nick’s neck as he slides their dicks together across his stomach. “The bathtub’s got a window view of the bay. Gonna fuck you in that next.”

Nick groans as Louis bites down on his ear lobe. His hands find Louis’ arse again where he’s been imagining them for months, and he roughly guides Louis’ movements against him. “Then, I want you to fuck me again against the giant windows out in the living room. Don’t care who sees.”

Nick growls as he flips Louis over and onto his back. The thought of Louis imagining him here in every room of this suite is nearly enough to make him come as it is. His brain gives one small attempt to think over the “not caring who sees” bit, but it’s quickly disregarded when he looks over at the nightstand and sees a condom and lube already out.

His fingers are slicked up and inside Louis before he can think of anything else. He banishes all thoughts beyond the way Louis feels clenched around his fingers and the way he’s kissing him desperately. Louis is begging for him now, and he is eager to bend to Louis’ will yet again. He cries out as he enters into him. He’s been so lost without this connection to him. Louis clutches him close running his fingers up and down Nick’s back as he thrusts into him until they’re both calling out for the other as they come.

Not one thing has been resolved, and they’ve just fallen into bed together like they always do. It’s hard to regret that though when he has Louis in his arms. They’ll talk tomorrow he thinks as he drifts off still holding Louis tightly.

///

Louis looks out at the early morning light cutting through the haze out over Marina Bay. He sips a cup of tea as he thinks about the man still asleep in the other room. Even though what he wants most is to wake Nick and lose himself in his body again, he leaves him to sleep knowing how far he’s come to see him. Why is he here though? Why now? He paces the room and then calls room service for food. His mind batters thoughts back and forth in his head. They haven’t made real time for each other in months. He hasn’t asked Nick to come, and Nick hasn’t offered to come until now. Nick doesn’t even know that when tour’s over, everything is over, at least for a while. Louis knows he’s been a bit shit with everything between them lately, but he’s having a hard time keeping chaos at bay.

Every day Zayn looks more and more panicked. Every concert leaves him more and more drained. It doesn’t help that Louis is the only one Zayn feels a modicum of comfort with now. Louis can feel his skin start to feel too tight, and he needs a release.

The food arrives, but when he goes to wake Nick to tell him, instead, he finds himself back in the bed ripping the duvet off of Nick and kissing him fiercely. Nick wakes up, confused, but he quickly gives back as good as he’s getting. Nick grips him so tightly, and Louis feels comfort in it like someone else is holding him together at least for a little while.

Without the dark of night to hide in, he fucks Nick from behind so that he won’t see the fear on his face that he’s barely holding it all together.

As they lay panting next to each other, Louis suddenly remembers the food. “Fuck. I got food. Probably cold now. Sorry.”

Nick smiles at him. “It’s fine. Don’t mind a cold breakfast if I get sexual favours in exchange.”

Louis snorts before rolling out of bed to clean them up. They eat cold food, mostly in silence, and Louis feels beyond frustrated when he realises he needs to be at a promo event in an hour.

“Fuck, I have to go soon. I’m sorry. I know you’ve come all this way and—“

“Do you have to go? I think we need to talk. I guess we should have last night, but I don’t think either of us was in a state to talk last night.”

Louis runs a hand through his hair. “Yes, I have to go. It’s just some dumb promo thing, but I have to be there because Z—because I just should.”

“I flew like fourteen hours to talk to you.” Nick replies, flatly.

“Well, didn’t seem like you had much to say last night.”

“I—we haven’t seen each other in person in months, Lou. Yeah, last night I just wanted to be with you.”

“I was just saying.” Louis mumbles.

“Saying what? You barely say anything at all.” Louis isn’t sure he’s ever heard Nick speak to him in this tone.

“Look.  I know we haven’t had a lot of time to talk, but—“

“But what? Are you going to finally tell me what the fuck is going on?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means, that you keep things from me, Louis. I don’t know a damn thing about what is happening to your band. I see tabloid photos of Harry and Zayn pushing each other and shit, and then when I talk to you, you say everything is fine.”

“You don’t need to know about the band.” Louis shoots back. “Why would you need to know about that? Got nothing to do with you.”

“No, but it’s got a lot to do with  _ you _ , and I assume it affects you. Why wouldn’t I care about that? And I don’t know what your plans are for after tour. You never talk about it. It’s like it’s not even happening.”

“You don’t need to know about that either.”

Nick’s hands grip his hair, and Louis can feel his frustration with him. It just doesn’t seem fair though. This is what he’s been trying to avoid. Dragging Nick into things he doesn’t need to be dragged into. He needs Nick to be separate. Why doesn’t anyone understand that?

“Our entire relationship is secret beyond a very few people—“

“Well, what the fuck does that have to do with anything?”

“I just thought that if the rumours are true and there’s going to be a break with the band that maybe we wouldn’t have to be such a big secret anymore. Wouldn’t it be nice to not have to hide?”

“I can’t talk to you about band stuff.”

Nick sits up straighter. “Why the fuck not? I signed an NDA. And I’m your boyfriend. Who else should you be talking things over with?”

“Why does it fucking matter if everyone knows about us? What, do you need the publicity or summat? Is that what this is about?”

“What?” Nick looks like he’s been slapped, but things pour out of Louis’ mouth anyway.

“That it, yeah? Want everyone to know so you can talk about me every day to all of your listeners? Get some new ones maybe.”

“That’s what you think. That’s what you think of me.” It isn’t a question, so Louis doesn’t answer.

“Okay.” Nick huffs out a horrible sound, a strangled laugh. “Okay, I get it.”

Louis stays stubbornly silent.

“I’m a fool.” Nick mumbles seemingly to himself. He stands up, and Louis finally forces himself to look at him. Fuck, he needs to get to this promo thing, not have a dumb fight with Nick. He doesn’t quite expect the look Nick is giving him. He expected anger, but Nick’s eyes are shining with suppressed tears. He’s looking at Louis in horror like he’s not sure who he’s looking at.

“You won’t have to worry about that anymore, Louis.”

“About what?”

“About talking about us. It won’t be a problem.”

“Why? You’re not going to bring it up again? Right. Sure. Look, can we just—“

“No. I won’t bring us up again. There’s no point. There’s no  _ us _ , is there? What we had, it wasn’t—“

“Wait. What? ‘What we had?’ Are you breaking up with me?” A small crack appears in the mask Louis’ put on for this conversation.

“Louis, you just accused me of wanting to use you for publicity. How far off track are we if you could think that? Pretty fucking far, I’d say.”

“So, what are you saying? If I let you tell everyone you’ll stay? Because that’s fucked up, Nick. That’s a fucking fucked up ultimatum.”

Nick shakes his head sadly at him. “No, Louis. That’s not what I’m saying. There’s no ultimatum. No one is telling anyone anything. Your secrets are safe with me. Well, the ones I know anyway. I’m just tired of them. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t love you and have nothing in return. It’s no good for me. And I’m ready to say that I don’t want to do it anymore.”

Panic wells up in Louis’ chest. “Fine, Nick. Fine. You win. Go tell whoever you want! Say it all over Radio 1 tomorrow.”

Nick stares at him for a brief moment before he casts his eyes down at the floor. “Good luck, Lou. With the rest of the tour. With—with life. I really mean it. I hope you know that I’ll always be rooting for you. I hope it will all be enough for you—the music, the band, the fans.  They can’t love you like I love you, but maybe you never needed me to anyway.”

His rueful look stings Louis. Nick loves him? Why did he never say before now? Fucking telling him whilst breaking up with him. The panic begins to overwhelm him. Fuck, Nick is breaking up with him. “Nick, please. Don’t do this. I promise things will get better. They’ll get easier. Tell whoever you want, Nick. Please. Just don’t do this.”

Nick searches his face for something or like he’s trying to memorize it, and then gives him a watery smile. “Goodbye, Lou”

“No! Please, no. Just wait. Please, Nick.”

But Nick never unpacked. He hadn’t really had time to last night. And it takes all of a minute or two for Nick to quickly grab his things as Louis begs nonsensically to stay. He can tell Nick isn’t hearing him. A wall that wasn’t there before has suddenly appeared between them, and he can’t seem to breach it now. He hardly has time to realise what’s happening before it’s over.

He’s alone in his room again.

///

Louis isn’t sure when the vomiting starts. Probably after he ingested the contents of the mini bar. Zayn finds him in the bathroom. He’s too incoherent to explain why he’s drunk and late for their meeting. He’s sure he probably missed it all together actually. Zayn makes phone calls as he looks at him with big concerned eyes. Louis wants to tell him to fuck off, but he can’t really talk whilst retching into the toilet. He wonders if this is how people have been looking at Zayn though. Has he been looking at him like this? Payback is a bitch.

When it seems like most of the vomiting has subsided, Zayn wipes his face and makes him drink water and take paracetamol and tucks him into bed.

He sleeps. Or maybe passes out. He’s not sure which really. But when he wakes up, he can hear arguing. Two, no, three voices. He tries to concentrate on the voices instead of the hammer pounding in his head.

“He can’t fucking go out there like this.”

_ Zayn _ .

“Well, what are we going to do then, genius?”

_ Harry _ .

“Cancel the show?”

_ Liam _ .

“People are already there! The show is in two hours! Christ—“

_ Harry _ .

“What even happened exactly?”

_ Liam _ .

“I don’t know.”

_ Zayn _ .

“Does it matter?”

_ Harry _ .

He briefly wonders where Niall is as they continue to argue. He starts to half sit up and call out to them, but then he hears Nick’s name.

“Where’s Nick?”

“Nick was here?”

“Yeah, where is he now?”

“Don’t know. Didn’t even know he was here.”

“Oh. That’s—probably bad.”

The pain feels odd and unlike anything else really. His body aches with it. He suddenly doesn’t have the energy to sit up anymore. He stops listening to them, so it takes him by surprise when the door is flung open and Harry is suddenly standing at his bedside.

Zayn is right at his heels. “Just leave him alone. He’s not well.”

“I’m just checking on him. Fuck off.” Harry snarls back.

“Yeah, checking on him so you can make sure your precious band can go on tonight.” Zayn scoffs.

“He’s my friend, too, you know. I never have the chance to talk to him though because he’s too busy placating you every fucking day.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means I don’t even know what’s wrong because you monopolize all his time.”

“Can you both give it a rest?” Liam asks loudly.

Louis covers his ears. Sounds like they’re all shouting, and he doesn’t know if that’s from the alcohol or if they’re actually yelling. Liam must say something more because Harry and Zayn’s voices fade away, and he hears a door close. The edge of his bed dips slightly as someone sits on it. Must be Liam. He can’t seem to make his eyelids open without great effort, so he doesn’t try.

“You okay?” Liam asks quietly. “Sorry. Stupid question. ‘Course you’re not.”

Liam sighs. “You awake enough to hear me. Grunt once for yes, twice for no.”

“How am I gonna grunt twice if I can’t hear you?”

“Ah, it was a trick question.” He can hear the smile in Liam’s voice. “What happened, Lou? Is it Nick?”

Louis is quiet for a moment. He tries to say yes, to say that Nick broke up with him, but he’s choking on it.

“I’ll take that as a yes.” Liam says. “Louis, I think you probably can’t go on tonight. So that’s what I’m gonna go tell the guys. I’ll take care of this okay. I mean, I could tweet that you’ve got explosive diarrhoea right?.”

Louis’s laugh is stunted by a groan at the pain that shoots through his head.

“Sorry, sorry. Shouldn’t have made you laugh.” Liam says. “Just don’t worry about this. I’ve got your back.”

Louis feels Liam’s touch on his shoulder. He wakes up a few hours later. The room is dark. He’s alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um. Don't hate me? I promise to update tomorrow! :)


	12. It Ain't Me

_ Who's gonna walk you through the dark side of the morning? _

_ Who's gonna rock you when the sun won't let you sleep? _

_ Who's waking up to drive you home when you're drunk and all alone? _

_ Who's gonna walk you through the dark side of the morning? _

_ It ain't me _

_“It Ain’t Me” –Kygo and Selena Gomez_

***

Singapore

13 March

**(0 weeks)**

***

They’re able to reschedule the concert for two days later, and no one seems to mind so much to be in Singapore for a few days more than planned. The news release says that he’s sick, a stomach bug. He does spend the next two days in bed, so there’s that. In the hours before the concert is when he realises it’s a weekday and that Nick’s on the radio today. Fuck, what’s the time difference? Seven hours?  So it’s already started. A car is coming soon to pick them up to take them to sound check. Louis is already in the lobby waiting for it, so he quickly finds a loo to lock himself into. His heart pounds as he pulls up the BBC website to try and find the show.

His voice is a punch to the gut. He sounds as normal as if it’s any other day. As if he hadn’t just broken up with someone halfway round the world. Nick talks about how he’s going to Vegas to see Britney, a new single from Ed Sheeran, going to have Orlando Bloom on the show next week. Louis rests his forehead against the cool tiled wall of the loo and tries to keep his shaky knees from collapsing beneath him. Why did he think this was a good idea again?

Someone is knocking on the door to the loo and calling his name, but the blood rushing in his ears won’t let him concentrate on that. He thinks he calls something out, maybe saying he needs a minute, whatever he said made the knocking stop at least. And that’s when he hears Fiona ask what Nick did over the weekend. There’s a long pause, and Louis’ heart is in his throat.

“I had a pretty rubbish weekend if I’m honest.” Louis can hear the catch in Nick’s voice.

Fiona must say something back, but Louis can only seem to pay attention to Nick’s voice.

“Yeah, I don’t think I’m ready to talk about it to the nation thank you. But yes, I’ve had better weekends.”

“But I thought you were going to visit your b—“

“Yes, well, I did, but it didn’t go well.”

“So sorry, love.”

“Me too.”

Louis doesn’t realise he’s sitting on the floor against the door until the knocking begins again. “Louis? Lou? We gotta go, Lou. Are you okay?”

He manages to unlock the door so that Liam can come in and pick him off the floor. He doesn’t know how he gets to the car or the stadium. Why can Nick do his job and Louis can’t? Nick says he was in love with him. And yet, he can go on the radio and talk to people, and Louis ends up drunk and puking his guts out into a toilet when he should be playing a concert. Doesn’t seem fair. He lays on a sofa in his dressing room staring at the ceiling, bitter thoughts playing a steady loop in his head. Zayn sits across the room texting on his phone. The miserable people are being quarantined apparently.

He happens to glance over at Zayn and sees that he’s looking back at him. “What?”

“You okay to go on?”

“Do I have a choice?”

Zayn snorts. “No. Harry will fucking carry you out on stage and prop you up against your drum kit if he has to.”

“Yeah.”

There’s a knock at the door. They’re ready for him. Drums first for sound check. He sighs and manages to swing his legs to the side and sit up. He takes a couple deep breaths and stands up. Zayn is watching him cautiously. His legs hurt. Everything hurts. No one ever told him it would hurt quite like this, a physical blow that takes your breath away with every memory that flits through your mind.

When he sits at his drum kit, it’s the first moment of peace he’s had in days. Comfort washes over him in the practiced beat he carries, but then sound check is over, and he’s back in his dressing room staring at the ceiling. Everyone seems relieved that he made it through so far, but he can tell they’re all watching him as they get ready to go on stage like he’s a wild animal they’re not sure what to do with.

As soon as the music begins, Louis gives in to it. The signature sound of his snare bringing him back into himself. He knows the band is relieved to hear him playing well. It just—doesn’t last. As soon as he’s off the stage, the euphoria vanishes as quickly as it came.

He feels so drained; he can hardly drag himself into a car back to the hotel. He’s so tired as he crawls into bed, but he can’t sleep. He knows he’s about to make a poor life choice, but Louis isn’t exactly known for his good decision making skills these days. He grabs his phone and opens tumblr. There’s some hysteria amidst the ranks, even tomlinshawpie isn’t very comforting. She’s hoping it’s just an argument. She patiently explains her thoughts on what Nick said on the radio. There’s some fan video of the concert tonight. Blogs are analyzing whether or not he looks heartbroken. He watches the video and decides he can’t tell just from that. He looks fine out there on stage. It’s off stage everything is bollocks.  He does eventually fall into a fitful sleep for a few blessed hours where he can forget what he’s lost.

They fly to Jakarta and arrive at the hotel just in time for Louis to catch Nick’s live broadcast. He opens the iPlayer Radio app he found for the BBC that claimed he could listen to him live. He doesn’t even have to listen long today to hear Nick talk about him.

Fiona must have said something about Nick looking a bit under the weather because he replies, “Thanks so much, Fifi. For reminding me how awful I look today. I’m not in the best mood today, am I? Cheers.”

Fiona says something else, and Nick answers, “Boy trouble? ‘Course it’s boy trouble. What else would it be? Anyway, let’s move on—“

No matter where he is, he finds a way to listen to Nick’s show and stores away all the mentions of him as though he needs them to prove it was all real once. Before they leave Jakarta, he knows Nick drank an entire bottle of wine one night to forget. In Hong Kong, he listens to Nick talk about how he can’t sleep and how he sometimes forgets to eat. When they arrive in Manila, Nick has been stress cleaning his house. Nick even goes so far as to talk to people who call in about it. The listeners as well as Nick’s coworkers seem to very much identify with his heartbreak. Louis is torn between being pleased that he’s miserable as well and jealous that he can talk about it so freely, all the sympathy coming his way. These are all the same things happening for Louis. He drinks too much, he can’t sleep, he forgets to eat. There’s no stress cleaning, but he’s living in hotel rooms right now. Where’s Louis’ sympathy for being dumped when things got hard? He knows it’s bad when he’s anxious over the weekend not hearing Nick’s voice. Not hearing that Nick is as bad off as he is.

He’s very much addicted now and listening once again on their first day in Thailand.

“Mate, you can’t keep on like this.”

“Fuck off, Liam.”

“At least open the bloody door, Lou.”

Louis gets up off the floor and flicks open the lock before depositing himself back to the tiles beneath him.

“You can’t keep locking yourself in the loo of every lobby we—what are you listening to?” Liam narrows his eyes at him and grabs an ear bud before he can snatch it back.

“Oh, Lou. Thought you were always off listening to sad songs or something. This is—“

“What? What is it, Li? Pathetic? You think I don’t already know that?” Louis snatches back the ear bud just in time to hear something about Nick’s hair. Bloody Liam. Now he doesn’t know what they said. Why’re they talking about Nick’s hair?

He ignores Liam’s presence and opens the tumblr app. He hasn’t let himself go back since shortly after the breakup, so nearly two weeks. If anyone knows what’s going on with Nick’s hair, it’s tomlinshawpie. He pulls up her profile and notices her bio for the first time. Dani. Her name is Dani. He takes a deep breath and scrolls down and is almost immediately confronted with a photo of Nick. His hair is nearly shaved off, and it makes Louis gasp in surprise.

“What is it?” Liam asks.

Louis nods silently at the phone in his hand as Liam squats down to look. “Well, okay then. That is—short.”

Louis clutches the phone with both hands as he stares at the photo. Waves of differing thoughts crash through him. Why has he done this? Is this because of their break up? Is this because he’s upset? Is this because he’s moving on to a new chapter of his life? One without Louis?

Louis scrolls through his list of contacts until he finds Nick. He’s all but forgotten Liam is there.

“Nope.” Liam says as he snatches the phone from Louis’ hands. Louis desperately reaches out to take it back. “We have to go, Lou. We’re already late. And you know Zayn will be late, and Harry is sick to the back teeth of the Zayn situation.”

Louis looks at Liam and sees the strain there. Liam is here with him. Liam is still managing to hold them all together somehow, so he’s a bit sorry for what he’s about to do. He lets Liam help him up off the floor and out of the loo, and then he grabs his phone out of Liam’s unsuspecting hand and darts off down the hallway towards the lifts.

“Louis!” He hears Liam call after him, but he has surprise on his side. He’s made it with plenty of time to let the elevator doors close before Liam can reach them. He takes it to the floor with the gym and finds a small alcove. He has to do this. It’s Friday. He won’t hear Nick’s radio show until Monday. He has to try now. Heart pounding, he rings Nick. He listens, waiting for him to pick up, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t pick up. Louis hears Nick’s outgoing voice message for the first time. Nick’s never not answered his call. He doesn’t leave a message. Just slumps to the floor.

Liam finds him. Can always count on Liam, really.

“He didn’t answer, Li.” He doesn’t like the way his voice sounds, wavering and unsteady.

“He’s still doing his show right now, Lou. I’m sure that’s why he didn’t answer.” Liam picks him back off the floor, and Louis lets himself be carted off for promo.

Louis sits silently through a few press interviews. Nick hasn’t called back.

They arrive at the venue and do sound check. Nick hasn’t called back.

Niall forces him to go take a shower when Louis can’t remember the last time he took one. He dresses himself. Nick hasn’t called back.

He gets a small reprieve from his mind when he goes out on stage and lets the beat of his drums and cymbals reverberate through him, but it all comes rushing back as he makes his way backstage to check his phone. Nick hasn’t called back.

Louis returns back to his hotel room and finds the bottom of a bottle. Zayn comes for him far too early the next day and makes him eat something. They actually have a day to themselves, so Zayn stays with him and plays FIFA and pretends not to notice how often Louis checks his phone. They eat room service, and then Zayn decides they’re going out and he’s not taking no for an answer. There are fans at the club they go to, and he blearily takes photos with as many as he can before their security puts a stop to it. When they stumble back to their hotel rooms at half past two, Louis notices his phone’s dead. He plugs it into the charger and falls into bed.

It’s when he wakes up the following day to the pounding of Liam at his door, that he realises there’s a voice mail on his phone. It’s Nick from last night. Midnight is when the call came at Louis’ time, but was probably still early for Nick. He ignores Liam’s knocks as he listens, one hand pressed to his knee to keep it from shaking.

The message starts with a sigh. “Hello, Louis. I saw that you called. I don’t know why I’m calling back really. There doesn’t seem to be a lot to say. Maybe that’s why you didn’t leave me a message. I’m guessing nothing is really different, so maybe it’s best we just don’t talk for a while. Goodbye, Lou.”

Liam will not stop fucking pounding on the door. He’s starting to sound frantic, so Louis wrenches the door open. Liam stalks past him, looking from room to room. “Is Zayn here?”

“What? No. I don’t think so. Why? He’s not in his room?”

“No. He’s not. And all his things are gone as well. Fuck, I was still hoping he was here with you.” Liam is pacing the room now.

“He’s gone, isn’t he?”

Liam rounds on him. “What did he say last night? Do you know something?”

“No! Jesus, he didn’t say much. We went and got drunk. That’s about it. Took some fan photos. Everything seemed fine. Well, not fine. Neither of us has been fine for a while, but—“

“We have to go tell Harry and Niall. And call management.”

Louis runs a hand down his face. “Yeah. Okay. Let’s go.”

He tries to pull himself together to go face Harry first who rants in an expletive filled rage for a few minutes before he’s calling management himself. He and Liam leave him to it to go talk to Niall.

Niall hears them out calmly and then spends the conference call with all of them biting his fingernails.

“Yes, we heard from Zayn a few hours ago.” Andrea explains.

“You heard from him hours ago? Planning on telling us?” Louis snarls.

“We’ve been putting a plan into place, which is why we hadn’t contacted you just yet. Harry warned us this was a possibility—“ Three of them whip around to look at Harry who crosses his arms over his chest and glares back at them. “So we’ve got a back up bass player who can help you finish the tour.”

“What?” Niall exclaims.

“We’re not fucking replacing Zayn!” Louis snaps.

Liam stays silent as Peter from their PR firm speaks up. “Please listen to reason, guys. I know it’s a hard time to do that, but you have to finish the tour if at all possible. There’s just over a month left. Think of how many fans you’d be disappointing if you didn’t. You’re playing Dubai and dates in South Africa, places you’ve never been before. Not to mention the money you’d lose if you don’t play the dates.”

“He’s right.” Liam replies wearily. “I’m still in if you guys are.”

The four of them stare at each other intently. “I’m in.”  Harry says.

“Me too.” Niall says quietly.

Louis clenches his jaw before he says, “Okay.”

“Great.” Andrea replies. “Shawn is already on a flight. He’ll be there in a few more hours. We’ve rescheduled the show, and you can have the next few days to rehearse with him.”

“Great.” Louis echoes.

///

On Monday, Nick doesn’t talk about him on the radio. Two weeks. Is that all it took for Nick to be over it all? To be over him? The last little bit that was making this still seem real is gone. He doesn’t cry. He doesn’t feel. He lets the frost creep in as icy crystals form a shield around his heart.

///

“Zayn’s left the band? What do you mean, Zayn’s left the band?”

Nick’s producer restates himself. “I mean, Zayn’s left the band. There’s an Instagram story about it. They’ve got someone to replace him for the rest of tour.”

“Jesus.” Nick’s first instinct is to call Louis, make sure he’s alright. But it’s also a cold reminder of all that he didn’t know. All the things that Louis didn’t share with him. Important things. So he doesn’t call. But he can’t help but address it on air. It’s only right after all. His listeners need to know.

“We’ve all probably heard by now that Zayn Malik has left Seventy Eight. They’ve posted about it on their Instagram if you want to check out their new bassist. And for any of you out there who are upset, just know that you can reach out to me about it. And I’ll be there.”

He wonders later if it was terribly obvious who that message was for. He checks Dani’s blog and yes there is hand wringing over Zayn, and he’s fooled none of them with his message. They are all certain the message was meant for Louis. He wonders if Louis even heard it.

Nick stays busy with work and his friends. He’s now forbade the topic of his breakup on air. And it helps a little. To not be dwelling on it quite so much. The problem really is when he’s alone. He checks Dani’s blog so often that she feels like an old friend at this point. He doesn’t even think of her as tomlinshawpie anymore. She seems lovely, but he knows it’s unhealthy at this point to be worried about fans being upset about his own breakup. His head is so fucked up. Jesus.

Tumblr is not exactly the place to forget about Louis Tomlinson. Seventy Eight is in Japan now for a few weeks it seems, and tumblr provides him an endless stream of concert photos and videos. He could watch Louis in his element like that for hours, days really. He finds someone who has spliced together just Louis concert footage, and he watches it an embarrassing number of times. He knows this is—not good. But what’s worse is all the photos and videos of everything else. Parties, bars, clubs. His arms around Niall, Liam, Harry, fans, random girls, random boys. Jealousy licks through his veins at the thought of Louis with someone else. 

Dubai brings Nick photos of Louis on the beach. He stares at the fan photo of Louis smiling and raising a glass to the camera. He searches his face for a sign of something, and to be honest Nick isn’t even sure what he’s looking for. Is he looking for Louis to be miserable without him? Because he doesn’t look miserable. Is he looking for a sign that Louis has moved on? Is he just looking for Louis to be happy? He huffs out a laugh at how absurd this all is. He holds down the tumblr icon on his phone, and his finger hovers over it for a moment. He takes a deep breath and deletes the app.  Baby steps, he tells himself.

He climbs out of bed and goes to take a shower. The reflection in the mirror still startles him. His hair still a surprise every time he looks at it. It’s just hair though. It will grow back. And the strands will no longer be ones that Louis has touched.

The weather is warm today, and he goes to look for a particular pale blue shirt. It’s soft and comforting, and he needs it today. He searches his closet and wardrobe to no avail. It’s fucking frustrating is what it is. He’s unreasonably angry about it until there’s a small spark in his brain about the last time he saw it. He stalks down the hall to the guest bedroom and flings open the closet where his luggage is stored. He tugs down the last suitcase he used and opens it. There’s sun cream and warm weather clothes including his missing shirt and random toiletries all still in the suitcase. He flops down on the floor with his missing shirt and rips the airlines luggage tag off of his suitcase. He stares at the Singapore heading on it and the date. A month. It’s been a month. It feels like yesterday. It feels like a million years ago.

His phone buzzes in his pocket, and for one crazy moment he thinks it’s Louis. It’s not. It’s Henry reminding him to please come visit at his studio after work. He sighs. Busy. Yes, he’ll just keep busy. Another text comes through asking him to pick up Jonathan on his way if he could. It takes a few moments for Nick to place who Jonathan is, but it manages to break through his brain’s Louis fog and filter through a memory of a handsome man who smiled a lot. Jonathan, right. He texts back to say it’s fine, and then he picks himself back up off the floor and keeps moving forward.

Jonathan is as handsome as ever. He smiles just as much as the last time even though it’s not his birthday. Nick opens the door for him when they get to the studio.

“I have no idea what we’re walking into in here, do you?” Nick asks as he holds the door of the studio open for Jonathan.

Jonathan stops abruptly as a dimpled grin crosses his face. “Really? So you’ll have no idea what I mean when I say, ‘I’d be sleezy for a bit of Yeazy.’”

Nick barks out a loud laugh. “What? No! What are you on about?”

Jonathan laughs as they step inside. “You’ll see.”

He does indeed see Henry’s reinvention of the slogan tees he made famous a decade before. He laughs in delight, and he actually has a great time with an old friend and perhaps a new one.

He never sees the person who took the photos of them as they walked inside.

///

Nick’s honestly a bit shocked at how much press the pics of he and Jonathan create. He calls Jonathan the next day to apologise, but Jonathan laughs it off and says it’s great publicity for a fairly unknown actor. Nick suspects it has everything to do with the fact that he’s the rumoured ex boyfriend of a much more famous musician.

It’s already past midnight when he gets the first text he’s seen from Louis in a very long time.

_Didn’t take you long did it_

Oh, for fuck’s sake. Nick lets out a guttural yell that he didn’t even know he was capable of. He listens for a minute to see if he’s woken the dogs. If it’s midnight here, that means it’s three or so in Dubai. Fuck if he doesn’t instantly know where Louis is and what time it is there. Old habits die hard.

**It’s been a month. I’m not seeing anyone but even if I was it would be okay to do that.**

_Not if you actually had loved me_

Nick’s going to throw his fucking phone across the room. He texts back, his fingers shaking.

**Fuck you. I did love you, not that you loved me back though. And it wasn’t fucking enough.**

_Did you though. Broke up with me when things got hard_

            **I’m going to forgive you for this because I know it’s the fucking middle of the night and you’re probably drunk. But it’s some fucking nerve to come at me with this when you’re out with anything that moves every fucking night**

_You keeping track?_

Nick hates this. This is the worst conversation of his life.

**I’m going back to sleep now.**

_I’m not fucking anyone else_

**Go to sleep Lou**

///

His work and his friends aren’t enough to keep him from thinking of Louis. He feels almost frantic to think of more ways to keep himself busy, so he starts accepting more DJ gigs. Fuck, he hasn’t done this in a while, but he needs it. He needs something. He accepts just about every offer. Opening of a new Topshop in Leeds. Fine. He takes it. He takes them all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter left. I promise there's a happy ending. :D


	13. Not Over You

_ If you ask me how I’m doing _

_ I would say I’m doing just fine _

_ I would lie and say that you’re not on my mind _

_ But I go out and I sit down at a table set for two _

_ And finally I’m forced to face the truth _

_ No matter what I say _

_ I’m not over you _

_“Not Over You” –Gavin DeGraw_

***

London

15 May

**(9 weeks)**

***

Louis walks into his own house in London for the first time in months. It smells a bit stale, needs to be aired out a bit, but it’s cleaner than he left it. His mum must have sent someone. He stands in the entryway, and he’s at a loss as to what to do now. He stares around at the vaguely familiar furnishings and the memories of the partial life he has lived here. For the first time in six years, he has nothing planned out for him.

He does have a few of his own plans though, ones that he’s made himself. He’s got a notebook full of lyrics and simple recordings on his laptop and a meeting with Seventy Eight’s record label next week. And while he has these things, these plans, that have become important to him, he’s also missing a lot of important things. He’s not got his band surrounding him. He’s not spoken to Zayn since he left. And—no. He won’t think about it. Except that he can’t help but think about it here.

It’s a little easier to push Nick out of his mind when he’s on the other side of the world in places that they’ve never been together. That’s not the case here. Nick’s been in every room of this house. Louis can’t seem to push away the memory of bringing Nick home that first time. Their frenzied hands tearing at each other’s clothes, bumping into furniture as Louis led him into his bedroom, hearing Nick confess how much he’s wanted him. He stares at the small table in the kitchen and remembers sipping cups of tea with their feet intertwined beneath it.

Did he really have Nick’s heart? It doesn’t feel like it now, but he thinks that it might have felt like it then. It feels like they almost had something. It was a feeling so rare, but so fragile. They sacrificed for each other in so many small ways, but it wasn’t enough. They never quite became what they could have been.

He feels the pinpricks of regret as he thinks about how he’s let Nick slip through his fingers. He wishes that they’d built a relationship that could have withstood all these outside pressures, and he can look back now and see the fissures that were there all along. Fuck, he hasn’t let himself think about this. He’s been working relentlessly and out drinking at all other times. It was only when he’s in that small window where he’s been drinking, but not enough to forget, that his mind lets Nick come to him. That’s when he sends unfortunate texts that make his eyes burn and his head hurt when he reads them back the next day.

A wave of panic hits him to be back in this city that has so many connections to what they had. All he can think about is getting the fuck out of here. Before he even realises he has a plan, he’s throwing a bag into his car and heading north.

///

Louis wishes he wasn’t such a damn masochist. He’s supposed to be enjoying his time in Donny, spending time with his friends and his family. He’s not supposed to be surreptitiously searching Nick’s tag on tumblr whilst eating a meal surrounded by his sisters.

“Lou, please put the phone down at the table, love.” His mum scolds.

“Sorry.” He stashes the phone in his back pocket, but it’s too late. He’s already seen it. Tomlinshawpie says Nick has a DJ gig in Leeds tonight. She wonders if she’ll see him as she’s on her way to Leeds today, too, heading home for a long weekend. He knows entirely too much about Dani. He wonders how she would feel about that as she seemingly knows far too much about him and Nick.

He lets his family distract him and doesn’t let himself think about it until he tries to go to sleep. Fuck. Nick’s so close. He can’t even escape him here in Doncaster. In thirty minutes he could be there. Does Nick know he’s in Donny right now? Is he thinking the same thing? That Louis is close enough that he can feel the gravitational pull between them? Louis huffs out a laugh and covers his eyes with his arm. Pathetic. Of course he isn’t thinking about him. He’s at a gig and talking to posh fashion people and laughing and playing dumb music and living completely in his element.

He wonders if Dani saw him at the station. He’s not going to check. He’s not. He’s out of bed and unplugging his phone before he even finishes the thought. Well. This was a mistake.

He looks—good. He looks like he’s been getting enough rest and using his spa facial treatments. And his quiff is finally growing back. Not that Louis missed it at all. He didn’t.

His eyes don’t look right though. They look blank. It’s a fan pic, and his smile is a little bit tight. That’s not how Louis likes to remember him. When he lets himself remember, he sees Nick’s eyes sparkling with laughter, his hair spread out across the pillow, as Louis tickles him mercilessly. Not stopping even when Nick says to stop or screams because he knows he doesn’t really mean it. When Nick’s had enough, he’ll make him stop. Louis knows this. So he’ll continue until—

God, he shouldn’t have let himself remember. He lays back down on his bed, still looking at the photo. He mentally apologises to Dani and edits it, cropping her out of the photo, and then stares at what Nick looks like tonight. Fuck. He drops the phone next to him and closes his eyes.

In his mind he can see Nick push up and topple him over until Nick is looming over him, his hands holding Louis’ wrists to the mattress. Louis slips a hand down to his joggers and pulls them down over his already hardening dick.

He can see Nick pinning his hips to the mattress with his own as he licks into Louis’ mouth as Louis struggles to gain some friction. Louis opens his eyes and fumbles for his bag next to the bed. He snicks open the lube he finds and put some in his hand before closing his eyes again.

He sees Nick grind his cock against his own, and Louis groans as he slides his fingers around himself.

In his mind Nick peels off his clothes and turns him over, his clever fingers ghosting over where Louis most wants them to be. Louis grips himself harder.

He can feel Nick pressing one, two fingers inside him as Louis writhes on the bed, begging for more, begging for him to fuck him already. Louis slides his fist up and down, slowly.

He remembers how Nick slides his dick up and down his bum, teasing him, as Louis demands he fucking get on with it. Louis slides his fist up and down, faster this time.

He remembers how it feels to have Nick fill him up until he can’t feel anything but Nick, until all his brain can think to say is Nick’s name over and over. Louis keeps sliding his fist, faster and faster, even as tears start to form in his eyes because no matter how many times he remembers, it’s not the same as having Nick’s hand there, gripping him as he shouts and comes into him, saying Louis’ name over and over.

God, the way Nick says his name. It doesn’t sound like how anyone else says it. He says it so softly. He says it with reverence. He says it like it means the same thing as love. Louis finally comes into his own hand as a silent tear rolls down his cheek.

Sad really that just knowing Nick is nearby and one fan photo is all it takes for Louis to find himself in his mum’s house, wanking to his memories of him. He wipes his tears away on the back of his arm and gets up to clean himself off. He sits back down on the bed and hangs his head in his hands. What is he doing? Fuck, what is he doing? He takes his phone off the floor where it fell next to the bed and types out a text.

**Hi. It’s me. I hope that you’re well.  I miss you.**

_ I’m working _

He lays back on his bed and drifts off with his phone still in his hand. He wakes up to the feeling of his phone buzzing with a few texts.

_ I don’t know what you want from me. _

_ You just miss me because you’re home now. _

_ Not on stage every night with people hanging off of you at every club you step into. _

_ You know London has clubs too. _

**I’m in Donny. Not that that matters**

**And I did miss you. Missed you every night.**

**Missed you every time I went on stage and in every club I went in**

_ We were never enough _

**We were almost enough**

_ Almost seems worse somehow. _

**How can that be worse?**

**Are you seeing anyone else?**

He doesn’t get a reply. He stares at the ceiling and waits for a while just holding his phone. He’s pretty sure he’s not getting a reply. Sleep seems very far away at the moment, so he quietly walks downstairs to make a cup of tea. He should have known his mum would sense him there.

She sleepily walks over and pats his back and tells him to sit. She makes his tea just as he likes it and makes a cup for herself as well. She sits down next to him and gives him a soft smile.

“Do you want to talk about it?” She asks.

“I dunno. Maybe. Haven’t really talked to anyone about it much.”

“Oh, Lou. I figured you were at least talking to your friends. I wish I’d known. I would have rung and insisted on you pouring your heart out.”

“I’ve been busy.”

“Too busy to take care of yourself? Too busy to mourn such a big loss?”

“Was it such a big loss really? Most people didn’t know we were together. Mostly just rumours as far as most people are concerned. It barely lasted a year, and that’s only if I count before we were officially together.”

“Oh, darling. A relationship can’t be measured that way. How much did it change you? How much did you rely on it? How much did you love him?”

His phone buzzes in his hand.

_No. I’m not seeing anyone else. But I’m going to start trying to._

Louis feels the bitterness rise up in his throat that Nick feels ready to move on when he doesn’t.

His mum looks down at the text. “Put the phone away, darling. Don’t trust your tongue while your heart is still bitter.”

He sighs and sets the phone on the table.

“You know I support you in whatever you do, but I want you to be happy first. The stress of life tends to chip away at happiness. We’ve got to find ways to hold on to what brings us joy.”

///

Louis returns to London the following week for the meeting with Seventy Eight’s record label. He’s sent them enough that they’re ready to have him sign. His new manager is coming with him, and he feels good about it. He almost feels anxious to begin, so he’ll have less time to dwell on thoughts of Nick moving on to someone new. He still checks tumblr for any hint Nick’s going out with someone, and he stills scours Nick’s social media every day. Hard not to moon over someone you still wish you were with.

He decides there is something he can do about one part of his life that’s gone wrong. And it just so happens to be the same person who probably knew the most about he and Nick. 

He scrolls his contacts to the last one on the list and presses call.

“Lou?”

“Hi, Zayn.”

///

Louis is up and about early as he wants to leave himself plenty of time to get ready before the meeting. He hesitates, but in the end he succumbs to the lure of listening to Nick on the radio. He listens to a few songs as he makes a cup of tea and pours cereal into a bowl. There’s a news report and he leaves the room to take a wee. When he comes back, Nick is already talking.

“I don’t mean I’m actually in love with the Uber driver, Fifi. He looked a bit too much like Ben Kingsley if I’m honest. Not that there’s anything wrong with Ben Kingsley. Well, wishing I didn’t bring this up now.”

“Well, what do you mean then?”

“Oh, he was wearing the same cologne as my ex wears. It was a scent I’d picked out for him. Bit painful of a drive to work is all.”

“You need to get back out there. Dating. I can give you my surefire tips.”

“Oh, I’d better hear this. Give me one at least.”

“Licking your lips. That’s always a good one.”

Nick bursts into a cackle of laughter. “Ah, licking my lips? Okay, Dating advice here on The Breakfast Show today. First lesson according to Fifi is to lick your lips. You heard it here first.” Nick’s laughter dies down. “Anyway, not having much luck even getting far enough to want to lick my lips at someone else, I’m afraid. Okay, enough of this. Let’s play the new Ellie Goulding song next.”

The cogs click into place in Louis’ head all at once. Nick’s not over him at all; he’s still thinking about how he isn’t ready to move on. Louis is nearly used to this now, but song lyrics and a melody begin forming something in his brain. And he knows he’s going to walk into today’s meeting with a completely different plan than the one he intended just minutes ago.

///

It’s been awhile since Louis texted him last. He seems to have completely fallen off the radar. Nothing on social media, nothing in the tabloids, no fan photos. Honestly, it’s driving Nick a bit mad. Where is he? What is he doing? Is he okay? Nick sighs and tries not to think about any of this.

He manages to do his show without mentioning Louis or the breakup today, so he’s calling it a win. Everyone is acting a bit strangely at work today though. So many odd looks. He stares down at his clothes. Not stained, look perfectly normal. He checks the mirror to make sure he’s got nothing stuck in his teeth. He’s got a meeting now, and one after lunch. There’s a fair number of people in the room, and everyone seems to be staring at him. It makes him uneasy and as soon as the meeting’s over he feels relieved to leave the building and meet Rita for lunch. He googles himself looking for any tabloid news. He can’t figure out why everyone’s behaving so bizarrely. Nothing looks new though. Maybe it’s all in his head.

He walks back into work amidst a flurry of activity. “Okay, what is going on?” He asks in general. It’s just been the weirdest day.

Someone actually answers as they rush by him. “Louis Tomlinson is a secret guest on Scott’s show today.”

Nick’s heart pounds so hard, all the noise around him is drowned out by the beat of it in his ears. This is why everyone is looking at him strangely. Fuck. Why didn’t anyone tell him? Warn him? Jesus. He feels a bit lightheaded, so he sits in the nearest chair as he hears Scott go on air.

“Well, we have a very special, surprise guest today. Louis Tomlinson from Seventy Eight is here with us! You have some very exclusive news to share with us, I’m told.”

The sound of Louis’ voice on air shreds all of Nick’s nerves to bits. “Hi, yes. I--ehm--have some news, yes.”

“Well, tell us, Louis. We’re all in suspense here.”

Louis huffs out a laugh. “Bit nervous, if I’m honest. Not used to doing things like this on my own. But I’m working on a solo record actually which will be out later this year, and I’ve come to sing you one of my new songs live on air.”

“Very exciting stuff, Louis!”

They continue to talk a bit about Seventy Eight and the music. Fiona has managed to find him sitting randomly at someone’s cubicle and drags him up and towards the studio. His legs are shaky, but she’s insisting he come although he tries to protest. Fuck, he can’t let Louis see him falling apart like this.

And then the song begins. He misses the first few lines as he argues with Fiona, but then he gives up, so he can listen.

He hears Louis’ vulnerable voice accompanied only by an acoustic guitar.

_ He said something to make you laugh _

_ I saw that both your smiles were _

_ Twice as wide as ours _

_ Yeah you look happier, you do _

He collapses into the nearest chair.

_ Ain’t nobody hurt you like I hurt you _

_ But ain’t nobody love you like I do _

_ Promise that I will not take it personal, baby _

_ If you’re moving on with someone new _

It’s the most lovely, beautiful voice Nick has ever heard, and it rips his heart straight in two because he knows who this song is for.

_ Cause baby you look happier, you do _

_ My friends told me one day I’ll feel it too _

_ And until then I’ll smile to hide the truth _

_ But I know I was happier with you _

Tears prick his eyes, and he knows he’s about to lose all control of himself.

_ Sat in the corner of the room _

_ Everything’s reminding me of you _

_ Nursing an empty bottle and telling myself _

_ You’re happier, aren’t you? _

No, Louis. I’m not happier, he answers silently in his head.

_ Ain’t nobody hurt you like I hurt you _

_ But ain’t nobody need you like I do _

_ I know that there’s others that deserve you _

_ But my darling I am still in love with you _

A tear escapes, and he quickly wipes it away. He honestly doesn’t know what to do.

_ But I guess you look happier, you do _

_ My friends told me one day I’ll feel it too _

_ I could try to smile to hide the truth _

_ But I know I was happier with you _

Nothing could tear him away from the sound of Louis’ voice, and he knows that any self-preserving ideas of running off has fled.

_ Baby you look happier, you do _

_ I knew one day you’d fall for someone new _

_ But if he breaks your heart like lovers do _

_ Just know that I’ll be waiting here for you _

He covers his face with his hands as tears streak down his face. It’s too much. There’s too much going on in Nick’s head. Louis is doing a solo album. Louis says he loves him. Louis says he’s waiting for him. It all swirls around his brain in pieces he can’t hold on to.

He hears Louis talking again, and he manages to focus enough to at least listen. He must look a mess at this point, but he can’t think of that now.

“—quite secret yes. I had to conspire with quite a few people to get in here with my guitar without everyone knowing about it.”

“So the song is called “Happier.” Can you tell us a little about what it’s about?”

“Well, it’s a song I wrote for someone. We broke up because I never showed him how important he was to me. How important he still is to me. And I wrote the song because I want him to know that I can promise that his heart will be my priority from here on out if he’ll have me.”

“Very romantic, Louis. Well, don’t keep us in suspense. Are you going to tell us who the lucky bloke is? Anyone we know?”

Louis clears his throat. “Yes, it’s someone you know. I’m in love with Nick Grimshaw, and I’m very sorry if this confession brings him any grief.”

Nick stills at the sound of his name. His heart has plummeted to his stomach, and he has never felt so unable to control his emotions.

He hears some scuffling noises, and then he hears Scott again. “Where are you going, Louis?”

Time to panic. Nick’s never run so fast in his life as he heads for the lift. He’s not fast enough though for someone who spends all their free time playing football. Louis chases him right into the lift, and the doors close behind him.

Nick turns away from the sight of him. Louis has always been so unfairly beautiful, and here Nick is crying and a bloody wreck. 

“Knew you’d make a run for it.” Louis teases. He doesn’t answer. He can’t. 

He feels the light touch of Louis’ fingers on his arm.

“Nick?” He sounds uncertain. A slight catch to his voice that perhaps no one but Nick would ever notice.

“Why did you do this? Why, Louis? I’m at work, and now everyone’s seen me fall apart. And the whole country knows we were—“

“Because I love you, and I wanted you to know.”

Nick forces himself to look at him. He needs to see if it’s all true. If this is really happening.

“I wanted to tell everyone about it. Even if you can’t love me back anymore, Nick. I want everyone to know that I was with you once and that we were in love and that it was real.” A tear slides down Louis’ face. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I knew I was taking a big chance here. I know you probably don’t feel the same, but I had to try.”

“Lou—“

More tears follow the first down Louis’ face, but he’s smiling now. “I’m really sorry if I’ve embarrassed you with all this, but I can’t help but feel happy for me. I got to see you at least once more, and I got to have hope in my heart again for however short a time.”

The lift doors ding and slide open, and Louis continues on for one more moment. “I got to tell you that I love you, so you’d know the truth. I can go now if you—“

Nick hits one of the lift buttons so that the doors will slide closed again. He shoves Louis into the back of the elevator as his lips cling to Louis’. He can taste the desperation that comes when you’ve been separated for so long. Louis’ hands slip under his shirt, and he pulls him closer.

The lift doors open again, and a bit unfortunately, Nick’s pressed the button leading to the exact place they’ve just left. A small wave of cheers go up as people notice them, and they break apart in surprise. Louis is laughing, his eyes crinkled in the corners in the way Nick loves best. One that speaks of his happiness. Nick’s fairly certain his own face speaks of it, too.

“I was happier with you, too, Louis.” Nick says.

“Good.” Louis replies. “Glad I didn’t just declare my love for you to the nation only to be rejected.”

“Not just declaring.” Nick says. “You said it in a brilliant, breathtaking song. You wrote me a song.”

“That I did.” Louis says softly. “We were always enough. Always.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song credit: "Happier" by Ed Sheeran

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! If you liked it please leave kudos and/or comments! [If you reblog the tumblr post here I shall love you forever!](http://allwaswell16.tumblr.com/post/160769184386/but-tonight-youre-on-my-mind-by-allwaswell16) <3
> 
> Thank you taggiecb for all your help with the story and life in general. xx  
> Giveitupforliam, thank you so much for all your brit picking help! I am so grateful that you would do this for me. Thank you for being so lovely and wonderful!   
> Dani, thank you for letting me use your name and tumblr likeness (lol) for this story. Just to be clear, Dani in real life is not the same as Dani the character in this fan fiction. ahaha. But if you would like to follow the REAL tomlinshawpie you can find her [here.](http://tomlinshawpie.tumblr.com/)   
> Thank you to anyone who followed along as a WIP and/or offered me encouragement while I wrote and edited this drabble turned 36k fan fic. lol. Love you all! xx


End file.
